Facing the Fear of Parenting- A Celebration of Mother’s Day

Just a few days ago I found an old journal I once pretended to use. I’ve never been a good journaler and had about a dozen long, detailed entries over the course of a few years. Two of the entries that stood out were when I was finally considering having children and when I was pregnant with my daughter (which incidentally was the last entry).

I never had an urge to have children right up until I did. Truly, it was out of the blue- I was ready- but I was terrified!

I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have a person grow inside me.  I couldn’t imagine what it was like to be completely responsible for someone else. I couldn’t imagine loving someone more than my husband and sharing myself to yet another person.

I read my words of fear- and that fear was intense.  But some part of me encouraged myself to face it- after all, everyone said having children was the best thing ever. I felt like I needed to discover why for myself.

I also had to face my fear of how my body would react.  My mother’s first mental breakdown came shortly after I was born. I worried that the hormonal changes would result in the bloom of a looming mental illness that was developing without my knowledge. It didn’t matter that I had no signs or symptoms, I was afraid it would all change.

Fear- lots of it. But I wanted this experience and the only way to live it was to walk through the fear and do it anyway.

Had I not faced that fear of the unknown, of taking on the highest responsibility possible and allowing myself to be open to the deepest love I might ever know, I would never have experienced what came next—even more intense fear!

During pregnancy and after their births came more fear.  The fear of not being able to care for them well, the fear that they might feel pain and I couldn’t ease it for them, the fear that they might get sick, the fear that they could be hurt by someone else and God forbid, that they might grow up one day and leave me!

All this fear came in after I’d discovered that I could not stop myself from loving them. I could not avoid it. I was exposed and none of my normal tactics of defense would come close to protecting me.  I had fallen in love with them without boundary and that put me at high risk of getting hurt as well.  All this risk, all this fear, all because I faced my initial fear of bringing them into my life.

So when I nervously drove my son to the emergency room yesterday because his asthma reaction was more than his inhaler could handle, I again challenged myself to face my fear of lack of control in their lives, and in turn, my life.  Because he is my strong and positive little man, I asked him if he was scared, expecting his normal “No, I’ll be okay” response. Instead, he said, “Yes, I’m scared I’m going to die and I’m scared that I’m too young to die. I’m only 7.  I would think I’d be at least 20.”

I fought my instinct to melt into the fear of his words and unhinge and responded with an assuring, “There’s no way you’re going anywhere, sweetheart, I need you with me….and 20 is not old!”  And I meant it, I need him with me, and 20 is not old.

Instantly, I felt thankful for this fear experience, for not knowing what’s next or how to fix it, but having the opportunity to find out.  I felt thankful for all the pain they’ve created in my life and the panic and the annoyance and the frustration and the exhaustion.  I felt thankful for exposing my heart to them, wide open, so I know how to live despite fear, and love despite risk of loss.

And as I lay next to my son last night, keeping my hand on his chest while he slept to ensure he was breathing okay, I was thankful for the fear that I walked through before his existence that allowed me to feel this fear, more powerful, more risky, and one that led me to a life more whole.  I welcome the fear of loss because with it, comes the realization that I have walked through all the other fears to gain a love so pure and beautiful, I can’t fathom its absence.

So on this Mother’s Day, and many, many more to come (well past when my son is 20), I applaud the bravery of mothers everywhere for facing their fears to bring more fear into their lives and do so without hesitation- all in the promise of continued frustration, annoyance, anxiety and more love and laughter than our hearts are designed to hold.

Cheers to us!  Happy Mother’s Day!

How Mental Illness and Emotional Disorders Impact Our Children

I am one of those people who purposefully doesn’t watch the news, follow politics or read the newspaper.  I used to, avidly. It gave me something to think about, worry about, obsess over and be angry at.  The injustice is everywhere, as is crime, deception, and panic.  I have consciously chosen to take no part in it because I find that in no way, does mainstream media enhance my life.

I had been feeling this way prior to obsessively watching the news after the Sandy Hook Elementary School tragedy.  But once I heard what happened, I could not stop watching, thinking or trying to wrap my mind around it. I wanted answers, so I looked to the news to give them to me.  I believed everything they said, absorbed it all, took in the “facts” to process it and then found myself infuriated when half of what I was told was a “fact” was not even close.  Twenty four hours of someone else’s strong influence on me was powerful.  It shaped my views and opinions and reiterated to me just how powerful the influence of the media really is.  I haven’t watched the news since…right up until the other day.

Restless on the treadmill, I turned on MSNBC and started watching a heated debate on gun control.  Still gun control? Still debating? This hot topic started right after the tragedy as did the changes in our school safety procedures and the widespread panic that accompanies it.  Still, no one is talking about the REAL issue, the underlying issue, the actual cause—a misunderstanding and lack of knowledge of mental illness and emotional disorders.  It is not normal to hurt people, to want to hurt people, to allow yourself to perform harmful acts.  Before the guns, knives, fire, and fists are used, something is out of balance, something that needs to be addressed- desperately.

It bothers me immensely because I see it every day in children, I hear about it, I lived with it, I know the detrimental impact of mismanaged mental illness and emotional disorders. I also know the fear of it, the misunderstanding of its causes and treatments and the intense judgment that writes people off as hopeless because their brain connections aren’t working properly.

You can’t see the lesions, you can’t see the scars, you can’t see the pain, but it is there and it is deep. Clinical Depression, Bi Polar Disorder and Anxiety Disorders run rampant amongst our populations and they are kept under the radar often to protect the judgment from those around them.  Without professional help and intervention, these illnesses and disorders can drastically affect a person’s life in horrible, negative ways, causing them to feel worthless, angry and living in a constant state of fear and distress in varying degrees.  Each person is different and how their illness or disorder manifests itself is different, but the discomfort and angst that accompanies it is the same.

Addictions, Eating Disorders, and Self Injurious Behaviors are also way more common than we would like to acknowledge and neglect of their symptoms can have extreme short term and long term impacts, both physically and emotionally.

So what can we do to help as parents?

Get the Facts–Know and understand the basics of mental illness and emotional disorders.  You don’t need to know how to diagnose a problem (although many try to do so with the limited knowledge they have) but having an understanding can help alleviate any concern of what you think you know and may be afraid of and offer you facts that are real.

Teach–Teach your children what they need to know as developmentally appropriate.  Young children may only need to know that while some people’s brains are good at learning math problems more than others, some people are better at managing their emotions more than others.  Teaching them if a peer cries more often doesn’t mean they are a “cry baby” but rather it helps that child release their sadness and frustration, the same way it does for them. And it may just be that the child who cries more or even yells more may feel those frustrations more easily than the child sitting next to them and they are learning what to do with those feelings.

Older children will benefit from the same lessons, but also will require understanding the facts and a reiteration that a chemical imbalance in the brain, is just that, an imbalance.  With proper treatment and intervention, balance has a great chance of being recovered.

Do Your Part–Stressing the importance of acceptance and openness to their peers differences can not be over emphasized. If they don’t like the way someone is acting or responding, help them identify what it is about their behavior that makes them uncomfortable.  Teach them that the best way to combat behavior you don’t like, is to model behavior that works better.  It will be helpful for them to recognize how much power they have to teach positive behaviors and control their situation rather than judge it and be bothered by it. And they may be teaching their peer a very positive lesson they won’t get elsewhere.

Connect–Know and help your children understand that we are all in this together.  Whatever effort you make to help another, helps you and everyone around you.  It’s just the truth.

Learning the facts and teaching our children how to respond to other children who struggle is one of the very best ways we can help children living with mental illness and emotional disorders. Every human being wants to feel accepted for who they are and when children feel accepted and cared for by those around them, they feel safe, loved and content.  Children who feel safe, loved and content, are far less likely to grow into angry, hurt and aggressive adults.

Just because the media and the politicians have yet to see the power of fixing the real problem, doesn’t mean we can’t influence it in our own ways.  It’s time to see the truth and it’s time to act.  And what better way to protect our children than to teach them how to be kind, loving and accepting human beings?  Oh right…argue over gun control. How could I forget?

Q&A My Perspective: Parenting the Anxious Child

QUESTION

My 8 year old son has a fear of our house being robbed.  Every night he wants to know if the doors and windows are locked before he goes to bed and questions me repeatedly if we are safe.  I’ve heard this a common anxiety, but I can’t seem to convince him there’s nothing to be afraid of.  Any suggestions?

MY PERSPECTIVE

The best part of most childhood anxieties is that they are common, allowing parents to vent their concerns and swap advice with other kindred parents.  The worst part of childhood anxieties is that they are common and misunderstood, allowing parents to feel incredibly frustrated when their efforts seem lost as one strategy after the next doesn’t work quickly enough in changing the behavior.

Typically, when a child shows signs of excessive anxiety, expressing intense worry and angst about situations or events that are out of their control, such as being burglarized, they are not singular concerns.  Meaning, if a child is fearful of one situation, it is most likely he/she has other fears in other situations where they do not feel in control or are feeling judged.  Its important to notice these fear trends because it gives you good insight into their thought patterns.  You may notice that their fear of burglars or the dark or being alone come about when they have various changes or transitions going on in their life.  Or you may notice that the fears seem to come out when there is an event coming up, like a big test or a presentation or a birthday party (even the perceived fun stuff can be stressful).  When you start to recognize the trends, you can then help them notice them as well, and explain why their fears are coming out.  It can be a relief to know that their fears are surfacing, not because of the real risk of a burglar, but because they are thinking about other real events in their life they may not feel in control of.

And although recognition is great and helpful and makes us feel better when we can explain a behavior away, what’s even more helpful is how to deal with it. So the next step, or side step, however you want to frame it, is to teach them that they are always in control, even when they feel like they are not.  Even when they are not in control of their environment, they are always in control of their thoughts.  Anxiety is typically created by a fear of the future, what could happen, not necessarily what is happening. So when talking to a What If Child, we want to teach them to play out their fears in their head so they feel like they are in control.  Ask, “What’s the worst thing that can happen? What is the ultimate fear?”

Is he afraid of the burglar stealing his belongings? If so, explain how his belongings can be replaced.  Is he afraid of someone getting hurt by the burglar? If so, explain your action plan of how you would protect them and yourself, calling the police or beating the intruder with a candlestick in the living room with Colonel Mustard. (remember the game Clue- it totally could happen) If the fear is of being killed, ask what they think happens when they die, play it out all the way through.  I realize this is tough, but the goal is to take all the unknowns out and replace them with the feeling of “I will know what to expect.” When we know what to expect, we feel more in control of situations, which in turn decreases the anxiety and the behaviors that go with it.

Another suggestion when playing out the worst case scenario, is to use humor whenever you possibly can.  (This is not in the official counseling manual, but a great technique in my opinion) Most of the fears we experience are far fetched and unlikely, but they feel real and intense and powerful.  When using humor and making light of something, we take the intensity out and feel even more in control of the thought.  However, it’s important when using humor to do so appropriately.  When showing the lightness of a situation, always poke fun of the situation and characters in it, not your child and their fear, but what’s within the fear.  Make the burglar a man with dog paws who can’t grab the Wii because his paws don’t have a good grip.  Make his loot bag have a hole it in it showing his deficiency.  Whatever works for the situation to take the intensity out.

But most importantly, when dealing with a child who is expressing their anxiety, dig up your patience.  It’s incredibly challenging to be patient when you teach your child techniques to manage their feelings and they don’t respond as quickly as you’d like.  It may seem like a constant battle within you between the guilt that you can’t fix it, and frustration that they just aren’t getting it… but they will.  It takes practice to create a negative thinking pattern and just as much practice, if not more, to create a positive one.  It rarely occurs as quickly as we’d like, so hold on and practice your own positive thinking of faith that they will be okay and “this too shall pass.”  Until then,  remember Colonel Mustard is innocent until proven guilty, just like you.  You didn’t create the situation, but you can help with defense.