Q&A My Perspective: When To Get Involved in Our Children’s Friendships

QUESTION

When is it appropriate to get involved in the happenings of our child’s friendships?  Particularly in the case of unhealthy behaviors, such as bullying? I want to protect my child from being a victim, but also don’t want to destroy her trust in me by “butting in” and controlling the situation or the outcome of the friendship.

MY PERSPECTIVE

It is my belief that it is a parent’s job to keep their children safe, to help them stay healthy, and to love them to the best of their ability.  This encompasses a lot of different areas of their lives and helping them understand and strengthen friendship is an essential part of maintaining mental and emotional health.  But an excellent question to ask is when and how much do we get involved.

I feel we should let our children choose their friendships of who they are drawn to and who they want to be around.  By definition alone, friendship is meant to enhance our lives and offer us experiences of unity, compassion, and shared joy.   Friendships teach us the importance of balance in give and take and there will always be times, like in any relationship, that the balance is thrown off.

A healthy friendship should be able to obtain that balance once again with relative ease and a moderate amount of effort.  It is when the friendship/relationship stays unbalanced and takes from us more than it gives, that a more significant change needs to take place.  As adults, we have learned this over the years by experiencing it with many different relationships, both good and bad, with each having equal weight of importance. I feel it’s valuable to allow our children to feel these ups and downs so they can experience what works for them and what doesn’t. Yet, it’s equally important to teach our children the definition of friendship and give and take, so they begin to understand the normal highs and lows of friendship, and how it takes both people to make the relationship work well.  However, when the imbalance becomes too great, there are critical times when we should intervene.

One of those times is when we see a significant negative impact on our child’s well being, as in the case of being bullied. If we see or hear of our child being put down repeatedly or harmed in any way, we tend to personally feel the anxious energy it creates and it often infuriates us as we become the Supreme Protector of our child. Naturally, we want to guard our child from the hurt of emotional and physical predators. The instinct is to remove them from the situation or not allow them to be exposed to it any more. In reality, we don’t have as much power as we’d like. So the question begs, what should we do that we have control over?

*First and foremost, keep the communication open with your child.  Sometimes they will tell you, sometimes they won’t. Sometimes they will tell you through their actions more so than their words , so be aware of any changes in lost interest in places and people they enjoyed before.

*If they are able and willing to verbalize, get as much information as you can so you can help walk them through it. Ask lots of questions on the situations they are in when the negative treatment occurs, who they are with, and why their friend may be responding this way.

*Teach them how to respond.  Literally, feed them the words to use to make the situation better. Help them determine the options of what to do when the behavior starts.  The more they know what to expect and how to handle it, the more likely they are to have the confidence to respond and defend themselves—which will only increase their self- esteem and ability to handle these situations as they arise again.

*If they are using the words and actions and nothing is changing, contact someone to intervene.  If it’s happening in school or on the bus, call the administrator or counselor. If it’s happening at an extra- curricular activity, let the advisor or coach know.   It is important that someone is speaking to the other child, because they too need to be taught which behaviors are acceptable and which aren’t.  Often times, the person hurting someone else is hurting themselves in some way and is trying to balance out their own internal power struggles, so need to be guided on how to deal with that and make better decisions on how to respond in social situations.  It is also suggested that if possible and appropriate, allow and encourage your child to be part of that conversation informing the adult so they are learning how to use their voice in an environment where they feel safe and protected.

As far as the concern of losing your child’s trust if they don’t want you to be involved, you can always tell them it’s your responsibility to ensure that they are safe and healthy and this is the way you show them you love them. (Right now, it’s my excuse for everything for my children and they roll their eyes every time)  But as they get older and express that they don’t “want” your support, it’s even more important to give it in ways that are less intrusive and subtle, but still gives them the security of knowing  that you are available and ready to help when duty calls.

What is Parenting anyway?

Want to learn a little bit more about me?   You can read my wrap up interview as Green Eggs and Mom’s Blog of the Month. Check it out here…

I really enjoyed and appreciated sharing on Green Eggs & Moms this month and was amazed and flattered by the support of Anne (who is a must read herself) and her readers.  Thanks for having me Anne!!

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Thanks to all who read and share!

Q&A My Perspective: Is it Ever Too Late to Heal Broken Relationships?

QUESTION

Father’s Day is coming up and I know my husband would love nothing more than to spend the day with all three of his children, but he has not seen his oldest 13 year old son (from a previous marriage) in almost two years after a disagreement with his mother.  I am considering contacting his mother to arrange for him to come for a visit for Father’s Day. They have no relationship right now and I am wondering if it is ever too late to mend a relationship. Would love your thoughts on this.

MY PERSPECTIVE

Two years to grown ups goes by fast, but two years to a child feels like a lifetime.  All the more reason why now is the perfect time to start mending one of the most important relationships this boy will ever have.

Depending on what caused the damage, it is never too late to repair the damage that has been done, especially at the age of 13. Teenage years are a critical time of continuous change and development.  It’s the time when children start looking at themselves as individuals and start separating from their families as they try on new personas and relationships.  They begin to turn to their friends more as a source for connectedness, but they still need and want their parents’ approval, no matter what their actions or words say.

Their vision of self is largely based on how they think others view them. For example, if they are consistently told they are a great athlete, they will see themselves as a great athlete.  If they are told they are terrible at math, they will think they are math skill deficient.  When their parent is involved and shows interest in their life, it increases their sense of self worth. If their parent is absent in their life, it feels like they are being told they are not worthwhile to be around.   They will more likely feel a gap in connectedness and spend time trying to fill the void they can’t understand.  Children crave that bond with their parents. And often when they say they don’t, it’s out of self protection to not let their guard down and show their perceived weakness and vulnerability.  We all want to be loved and cared for, its just how it is.

I, of course, am generalizing, and there are ALWAYS exceptions, but its typical human nature to desire these connections, at any age.

As for your situation, I am excited at the prospect of you re-connecting a father and his son to start filling the void for both of them in the most loving and natural way.  It may not happen in fairy tale fashion, but the attempt is step one in mending the relationship.  It will take time to rebuild what’s been damaged and create a missing trust, but with time, consistency and patience, it will undoubtedly be worthwhile for them both.

Q&A My Perspective: Parenting the Anxious Child

QUESTION

My 8 year old son has a fear of our house being robbed.  Every night he wants to know if the doors and windows are locked before he goes to bed and questions me repeatedly if we are safe.  I’ve heard this a common anxiety, but I can’t seem to convince him there’s nothing to be afraid of.  Any suggestions?

MY PERSPECTIVE

The best part of most childhood anxieties is that they are common, allowing parents to vent their concerns and swap advice with other kindred parents.  The worst part of childhood anxieties is that they are common and misunderstood, allowing parents to feel incredibly frustrated when their efforts seem lost as one strategy after the next doesn’t work quickly enough in changing the behavior.

Typically, when a child shows signs of excessive anxiety, expressing intense worry and angst about situations or events that are out of their control, such as being burglarized, they are not singular concerns.  Meaning, if a child is fearful of one situation, it is most likely he/she has other fears in other situations where they do not feel in control or are feeling judged.  Its important to notice these fear trends because it gives you good insight into their thought patterns.  You may notice that their fear of burglars or the dark or being alone come about when they have various changes or transitions going on in their life.  Or you may notice that the fears seem to come out when there is an event coming up, like a big test or a presentation or a birthday party (even the perceived fun stuff can be stressful).  When you start to recognize the trends, you can then help them notice them as well, and explain why their fears are coming out.  It can be a relief to know that their fears are surfacing, not because of the real risk of a burglar, but because they are thinking about other real events in their life they may not feel in control of.

And although recognition is great and helpful and makes us feel better when we can explain a behavior away, what’s even more helpful is how to deal with it. So the next step, or side step, however you want to frame it, is to teach them that they are always in control, even when they feel like they are not.  Even when they are not in control of their environment, they are always in control of their thoughts.  Anxiety is typically created by a fear of the future, what could happen, not necessarily what is happening. So when talking to a What If Child, we want to teach them to play out their fears in their head so they feel like they are in control.  Ask, “What’s the worst thing that can happen? What is the ultimate fear?”

Is he afraid of the burglar stealing his belongings? If so, explain how his belongings can be replaced.  Is he afraid of someone getting hurt by the burglar? If so, explain your action plan of how you would protect them and yourself, calling the police or beating the intruder with a candlestick in the living room with Colonel Mustard. (remember the game Clue- it totally could happen) If the fear is of being killed, ask what they think happens when they die, play it out all the way through.  I realize this is tough, but the goal is to take all the unknowns out and replace them with the feeling of “I will know what to expect.” When we know what to expect, we feel more in control of situations, which in turn decreases the anxiety and the behaviors that go with it.

Another suggestion when playing out the worst case scenario, is to use humor whenever you possibly can.  (This is not in the official counseling manual, but a great technique in my opinion) Most of the fears we experience are far fetched and unlikely, but they feel real and intense and powerful.  When using humor and making light of something, we take the intensity out and feel even more in control of the thought.  However, it’s important when using humor to do so appropriately.  When showing the lightness of a situation, always poke fun of the situation and characters in it, not your child and their fear, but what’s within the fear.  Make the burglar a man with dog paws who can’t grab the Wii because his paws don’t have a good grip.  Make his loot bag have a hole it in it showing his deficiency.  Whatever works for the situation to take the intensity out.

But most importantly, when dealing with a child who is expressing their anxiety, dig up your patience.  It’s incredibly challenging to be patient when you teach your child techniques to manage their feelings and they don’t respond as quickly as you’d like.  It may seem like a constant battle within you between the guilt that you can’t fix it, and frustration that they just aren’t getting it… but they will.  It takes practice to create a negative thinking pattern and just as much practice, if not more, to create a positive one.  It rarely occurs as quickly as we’d like, so hold on and practice your own positive thinking of faith that they will be okay and “this too shall pass.”  Until then,  remember Colonel Mustard is innocent until proven guilty, just like you.  You didn’t create the situation, but you can help with defense.

Q&A My Perspective: To Medicate or Not?

QUESTION

What is your take on behavior-modifying medication for children?

MY PERSPECTIVE

I love this question because it’s something I think about often.  I have worked with many, many teenagers who are on medication for ADD/ADHD, Anxiety, Depression and Mood Disorders and I have seen and heard of many remarkable changes and equally as many unremarkable changes.

The decision to medicate a child is a tough one and should involve multiple conversations with your child’s doctor and a clear understanding of what the medications can do and not do.  Personally, I am typically hesitant to interfere with  a growing child’s brain chemistry (especially teenagers whose hormone level fluctuations could be extracted and marketed as psychosis inducing drugs themselves), but I do believe there are times when the brain chemistry could use a little tweaking and can help change lives for the better.  The big question is which drugs, for how long and what are the pros and cons of each.

But to your answer your question, I do not believe there is any medication that will change a child’s behavior.  Medication can sometimes help correct dysfunction occurring in the brain chemistry, but it will not change a child’s behavior.  Only the child’s beliefs and attitudes will change the child’s behaviors.

For example, if a child is on medication to manage their ADD/ADHD and it works as proposed, they will be able to focus more on tasks at hand and hone in on some skills that might be a challenge when continuously distracted.  This can be very beneficial for children who are motivated to do well in school, but struggle with the ability to stay engaged for long or even short periods of time.  For the child who is not motivated to do well, the medication will still work, but it will not change their attitude or desire to do the work until they have decided the change is important. My advice to a child who struggles with symptoms of ADD/ADHD is to work to figure out tactics that help them manage their inattention, both inside and outside of school.  Sometimes professional help can be helpful in accomplishing this.

Another example is when a child is on medication for anxiety, and it works as proposed, the medication will help “take the edge off” and promote a less reactive nervous system.  This can be very beneficial for those who are willing to take steps to change their negative thought patterns and learn some new coping skills to manage their stress. But for those who are unwilling to change anything they are doing, it will offer minimal success in overcoming their anxiety and distress.

My point? Medications can be a great supplement in conjunction with making behavioral, attitude or habitual changes to alter the patterns that are not currently working for the child, but they will undoubtedly need additional support beyond the medication for lasting and real results.

On a personal note, I am a huge fan of homeopathy and naturopathic treatments.  They are typically without threat of harmful side effects.  To me, there is nothing to lose when trying out this angle and makes parents like myself, much more at ease when using trial and error tactics on my kid’s growing body.

Q&A My Perspective: Body Image- Friend or Foe?

QUESTION

My 10 year old daughter and her friends are obsessed with weight and body image.  They are constantly critiquing themselves and comparing themselves to everyone around them.  It hurts me to think that she is unhappy with herself just the way she is.  What can I do to change her attitude?

MY PERSPECTIVE

Your 10 year old daughter, and the 15 year old neighbor, her 18 year old sister,  the 25 year old college student who lives up the street from them, her 45 year old professor and her 70 year old mother….all obsessed with body image and weight.  It’s everywhere.  In our society, where the quest for the best recipe is equally as hot of a topic as fitness and weight loss, it’s amazing we all don’t sit home and count our precious calories with every bite and then shame ourselves if we took one bite too many.

And of course, our wafer thin role models of beauty and popularity in the media are rarely above a size 2 for women.  Although the push for plus size models has made its way into the mainstream marketing world, the attitude shift of acceptance and redefining beauty is much slower than is necessary to protect our current generation of image obsessed daughters with image obsessed role models in the form of caregivers, peers and the super cute actors and actresses they watch on TV.

I would like to tell you to beat it into her that true beauty is who we are on the inside and it shouldn’t matter what people think of you as long as you know you are beautiful and treat others with kindness, etc, etc. etc….but if that was easy, than we wouldn’t have this society filled with the image obsessed.  I think we are still a great distance away from saying “Hey Vanessa, your heart looks beautiful today.  You must have been really kind to others for it to look so good. What level of gratitude are you feeling to beam so brightly? I must have it!”

And although its true, that beauty does reside within, it’s a matter of understanding and believing this at your core level and living it in order for it to make a difference, not just saying it.  If you’re not there yet, then I suggest starting with the basics.  With your daughter, write down on paper what internal beauty looks like and what external beauty looks like. Define them and then come up with the pros and cons of each.  What does internal beauty get you versus external beauty?  And vice versa.  Sometimes we need to intellectually differentiate and name it to make it understandable.

And be truthful.  People are drawn to other people  by the way they make them feel.  We are naturally attracted to people who make us laugh or feel good.  Most of us can think of a time when we met someone whose outward appearance was attractive, but their personality or the way they treated others made us rethink how we rated their attractiveness.   It’s easy to find lots of examples of these characteristics and personalities from characters on their favorite TV shows and movies.   Point out the the way others respond to them and their attitudes, despite their appearance.  Use them to explain the value and importance of how they treat others and the lasting impact it will have, thus increasing their natural attractiveness!

But most importantly, notice the way you talk about yourself and your body image.  Caregivers are the primary role models for children, as they watch everything we do and say.  What are your own attitudes toward your self image?  If she hears or suspects your own dissatisfaction with yourself, she will naturally think this is the norm of how she should respond to her own perceived flaws.  Even if you are not in love with your own body, model your behavior as though you are and wait till you see your friends to air your frustrations, while you are working on your own transition to change any negative attitudes you may have.

It’s a tough one, this change of perception. But the foundation of acceptance you help her build now, can make the rest of her eating and living career that much more pleasant.  And for those around her as well.

Q&A My Perspective: Why Don’t You Listen To Me?

QUESTION

I have three daughters, 13, 16 and 18 and the oldest two have strikingly different but very strong personalities. Throughout their childhoods they have fought and they have grown older the words hurt and wound more profoundly. I have always had a keen interest in the subject of emotional intelligence and have regularly explained to both daughters the importance of explaining calmly what is upsetting them, rather than resorting to being nasty and bitchy.  I explain that becoming unpleasant means they lose any power they may have had if they had remained calm, forthright and clear.
So in essence they have been parented well and attentively and yet they seem unable to put my advice into practice! Is it normal for their age, this inability to communicate their needs effectively, despite my regular discussions on the subject?

MY PERSPECTIVE

First off, let’s define “normal.”  If we are looking at “normal” as being a common occurrence, then YES, it is perfectly “normal” for children to seemingly completely ignore everything that is coming out of a well intentioned lesson by us, the parents and others.

But let’s get down to basic human behavior.  When we are hurt or threatened, our typical reaction is to defend ourselves from our perceived aggressor.  In all stages of development, the typical response to pain and discomfort is to find a way to stop it.  Depending on our personality and what behaviors we have deemed “work for us” this can be a different response in everyone.

Typically,  when someone with an introverted personality feels attacked or threatened, they may withdraw and try to become invisible, hoping that their aggressor won’t see them or notice them if they don’t say a word. They protect themselves with silence, and often quietly let their insecurities brew.

Someone with an extroverted personality who feels attacked is more likely to strike back against their aggressor to make the pain stop and defend themselves.  They may do this by attempting to make the other person feel just as bad, if not worse, than themselves.  Their goal is to create injury to keep the aggressor away.

Of course, there are always exceptions and combination personality types, but the fight or flight reaction is generally the same.  The introverted personality may let their frustrations brew to a point where they have reached their limit and unleash on their aggressor when their normal reactions aren’t getting anywhere.  Just like the extroverted personality can change their tactics and withdraw.

Our children’s automatic reaction is to respond in some fashion to stop the aggressiveness and threat. In your experience with your children, their reactions aren’t pleasant or effective, but in their mind, their responses are working to their advantage.  Until they see and learn the alternative methods themselves, it will be hard for them to acknowledge otherwise.

But here’s the best part.  They ARE listening.  They do hear what you have to say and most likely it makes sense to them and they respect it because, it’s true.  However, they are in a developmental stage of life where they have better luck trying on ideas and behaviors for themselves to truly learn and “get it.”  This is incredibly hard for parents to accept because we just want to protect our child and intervene when we see the pain in their lives.  Of course! But in reality, they have to try on the behavior to truly understand the pros and cons of each, and they have to do it on their terms.

However, once they start to experience the truth of your advice and knowledge, they will begin to acknowledge that it does work and that you are very, very wise. (don’t be surprised if they choose not to tell you or allow you to relish in the satisfaction of your own greatness).

Just the other day, I had a 17 year old boy, who knows my counseling style very well, tell me how he was feeling about a situation he didn’t feel in control of.  Before I could offer a suggestion or analysis, he interjected, “I know exactly what you’re going to say and I know you’re right, but I don’t want to hear that right now. I just want to be angry.” And there it is.

So keep talking to them about it, keep modeling the behaviors that work well and keep the faith that they will get it.  If you can hold on to that, you have nothing to lose….except sleep, hair and possibly a few years off your life.  😉

Help Me To Help You

Dear Faithful Readers (and those who swing through every now and then or find this site by accident),

I realized last weekend as I was writing an article, then scrapped it and started another, then scrapped that one and started over, and then scrapped the last one and wrote something completely different, that although I am talented at thinking A LOT and saying A LOT, its really you I want to touch and find something I hope you’ll find valuable.

One of my talents is answering questions. This is what I do everyday. I am a counselor both by profession and by nature. I answer easy questions and hard questions for my children, my friends, my family, my students, their parents, my co-workers, people in line at the grocery store, and sometimes my kitten (although my lack of kitten speak seems to annoy her).  Questions are easy for me.

Another one of my talents is finding the not so random in the randomness. It’s a gift really. I can have a random conversation with someone and find meaning in it, on most topics.  I typically can make a full circle observation in some of the most mundane of topics.  Sometimes entertaining and sometimes downright disturbing. Just kidding…or am I?

So here is my request for you.  If you have any questions, thoughts, ideas you’d like my perspective on, please ask.  Anytime. If you have topics you’d like me to write about or suggestions, send them my way.  Help me to help you.

In the meantime, I hope you continue to enjoy reading my perspectives at least a quarter of the amount I enjoy sharing them.

Thanks for reading and hope to hear from you.

With utmost sincerity,

Lynn