Walking Through Grief

Walking a child through grief may be one the hardest experiences we may have as parents.  Instinctually, if we see our children in pain, we want to protect them and take it away.  When they scrape their knee, we clean it up, slap on some boo boo cream, patch it up with a band aid, give them a hug and watch it heal in days.  When we see them in emotional pain, we want to hold their heart tight until the discomfort passes and place it back once we feel it’s safe.

We know how pain feels.  We’ve all felt it before.  And we know how difficult it can be to let it go and how long it can take to heal.  We don’t wish it on others (well, maybe sometimes), but we certainly don’t want our children to feel it because we can’t fix it for them or take it away.  So when loss happens, and it always happens, how do we respond?

Step one, let them feel it.  If they are sad, give them permission to be sad.  You know how sad feels, share your own sadness with them as appropriate.  Let them know its okay to be sad.  If they are angry, let them be angry.  Loss can be infuriating. We feel sorry for ourselves and the pain we must feel and question what the point of it all is.  It’s okay to be angry and sad and it’s okay to feel guilt and relief at the same time.  There is very little about grief that is abnormal and the more we give ourselves and our children permission to feel, the more we are able to let it out and let go.

Step two, model grief.  Our children watch our every move and base many of their reactions on how they’ve learned to react.  How do you grieve? Do you hold it all in and hope it will go away or do you allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling, express it and move forward.  Our children watch us and wait for our cue on what is appropriate and acceptable and what is not.  If you do not show emotion, they may feel it is not okay to express what they are feeling.  If you talk about how you are feeling, they may be more likely to open up and feel secure with exposing their inner thoughts.  Because we want to protect them from pain, we may feel like we need to shield them from our own, not wanting them to feel unsafe by our own perceived weaknesses and feeling we need to model our strength by pretending nothing hurts us. Yet in reality, showing them its okay to feel pain, cry, or express our own sadness and then pick ourselves up and move on to whatever is next in the day, teaches them what strength really is.  We show them that we can stop what we are doing, let our guard down, feel what we need to feel and then regroup and continue living.

Step three, help them see the good. When we lose something, we hurt because we allowed ourselves to love and that is always a good thing.  If we never experienced the joys of love, we would never experience the pain of loss.  Help them focus on all the positives that came with the relationship.  Timeless memories and lessons we learned from those who are no longer with us are often the most cherished because they can’t be replaced.  Allow and assist them in their recollection of how good that person or relationship made them feel and let them know that we get to keep that…forever.

Grieving can be very painful.  We are sad for the loss of what we had and the loss of what could have been. But with that pain can be growth.  While managing our pain, we begin to learn coping skills that help aid us as we feel we are stumbling down our path. The more we model and teach good coping skills, the easier our children will learn how to build their own.  Life will always provide roadblocks and we will always have the ability to circumnavigate around them or walk right through them, depending on high the blocks are built. We have the ability to show our children how to face fear and sadness even when we don’t want to.  And although it may be a challenge, it’s a treasured lesson that will carry them through and build on itself through each experience.

If you would like more resources on helping your child, or yourself, with grief, The Dougy Center is The National Center for Grieving Families and Children and is a fantastic place to start. For more information, click here.

Traditional Bliss

Boots, hats & mittens…check. Camera…check. Dunkin Donuts hot chocolate…check.  Super Excited Can’t Wait to Do This Attitude…check. Remind my husband that the weekend after Thanksgiving is absolutely the best time to get your Christmas tree and it really won’t fall down on you three times this year after we decorate it…check.  Buy a new, improved tree stand to replace last year’s…damn, I knew I’d forget something.

Traditions.  We all have them, need them, live for them.  They are the moments we recall from childhood of the hopefully warm memories spent with family or friends doing the same activity or celebration each year.  I love tradition.  It makes me feel safe, comfortable and in a life full of continuous changes, like something may actually stay the same if I can hold on to it in my head.  I also love building traditions for my children.  My favorites include trick or treating with our cousins, Thanksgiving in an overcrowded dining room so we can all be together, decorating the kitchen the night before the kids’ birthdays and leaving a trail of gifts in their bedroom.  Vacationing on “our” lake in Maine with our extended family and playing Monopoly until late night (which is 9 pm in Maine).  And of course, cutting down our Christmas tree.

Now there are some traditions I could live without.  Wondering what the going rate of the Tooth Fairy is at the time of the lost tooth.  There is just no consistency there.  And the crazy Elf on the Shelf I started last year.  Hiding that little guy is a commitment.  And then forgetting you put him in a bowl for safe keeping in the back of your cupboard and mindlessly taking him out in the summer when using the bowl and having your kids be traumatized by the sight of him sitting on the refrigerator.  “I thought he lived in the North Pole!” they exclaimed.  “Well, just like Santa he’s always watching for good behavior and he stops by to visit every now and then. You never know when he’s around,” I explain.  A bit creepy and they were over it and back to their normal behavior in less than an hour.  Not sure if it’s worth the commitment.

There’s something amazing that occurs when we create traditions for our children. Besides the fact that it gives us something to look forward to, it reminds them that no matter how crazy life can get, we always have some semblance of “normal” to rely on.  It may be a special dinner to celebrate the little things or love notes in their backpack. Or the same book they read once a year or songs sung on certain occasions.  Maybe it’s the way you tell them you adore them that no one else can recreate. No matter what they are, traditions offer comfort and consistency that we may not get anywhere else.

There’s also something amazing that occurs when we follow the traditions we create.  It reminds us of the past years and how much our children have grown and either how much we appreciate them or how quickly they are growing up and how desperately we want it to slow down. We recall the past memories and laugh at the folly or cry when we miss someone who is no longer experiencing it with us. Retelling stories and reliving memories in the here and now of togetherness and musing over what will happen next year. Traditions reflect where we’ve been, where we are and where we hope to be.

As time goes on, I hope to continually be creating more traditions with and for my children.  Partially for them, but mostly for me.  Miniature glimpses of time and space I will hold on to, to keep the fast paced life seem a bit slower, fuller and with reason to remember the little events which make our days meaningful.  And with any luck, I will remember to buy that new, improved tree stand to make next year’s memories just that much better.

My Jester In Shining Armor

Sometimes I underestimate my husband.  Okay, I often underestimate my husband.  We have been married for 11 years and “together” for 18 and I wonder sometimes if I will ever appreciate him for who is. I think he wonders this too.

So when I was pondering out loud about needing a little inspiration to write something, I didn’t really expect him to give me a response that would be meaningful. Actually, his first response was “how about women who self tan all winter and how it looks weird.”  Yeah, thanks, that’s a great parenting topic. But then he said “or about how great husbands are?”  I probably rolled my eyes because according to him that is my immediate communication response, but then I thought, Perfect!!

My husband and I are very different.  I love talking to people and am a magnet for anyone with a need to talk about their latest problem.  He loves talking to the TV on football Sundays and considers his fantasy team to be his closest and most reliable peeps.  I like to workout at the gym. He likes to workout at home.  I am the Queen of small talk.  He is the Jester in the crowd.  I am scattered and a bit flighty and he is structured and organized.  My ADD and his OCD have had to come to terms with each other, although they still call each other out time and again.  Yet when it comes to parenting, we couldn’t be more in synch.

We have all been told that structure and consistency are important parenting goals to strive towards to establish expectations and for our children to feel safe and secure.   So when one parent is inconsistent and works against the other parent’s rules, our children don’t know what to expect and either follow the rule they prefer, or follow the lead of the parent who is present and change it up for the other parent when necessary.  So what gets accomplished? The children learn to either work the system or they learn to work against the system.  Either way, they are on their own.

When we are on the same page as our partner, our children know what to expect.  They know what we will tolerate and what we won’t. They know that when you say you must do your homework before you go on the computer and then turn your back, your partner will turn the computer off before they have a chance to argue.  Majority rules and you and your partner are always the majority.

In our house, if I have a headache, my husband ensures the kids are quiet.  This teaches my children to respect and care for others and that partners look out for each other.  I also often give my children directives and then forget them 5 minutes later by my own distractions, until I hear my husband say “I heard your mother tell you to brush your teeth.”  Thank goodness someone is paying attention to me and that my husband is reinforcing this. He is supporting me and validating that what I say needs to be adhered to and respected. We are a united front. And nothing, no nothing, makes me love him more than when I hear him say, “don’t talk to your mother in that tone.” My Jester in shining armor protecting me from the harsh tones of the villagers.

I tend to be very opinionated (shocking!) in my parenting views and we often discuss how we want to handle situations with the children.  And thankfully we agree on most of the resolutions.  We are big on trial and error parenting and trying new tactics when old ones are worn.  We support our children’s passions together and talk to them in our own style when they experience their woes.  This is when our differences compliment each other the most.  Our children have parents with two very different personalities, offering two very different perspectives with one message of uncompromising love.

So will I continue to underestimate my husband? Probably. But I will never under-appreciate the role he plays as my partner when parenting our children or the admiration I have for him as their father.  After all, everybody loves the Jester.

Q&A When You’re Not the Evil Stepmother

QUESTION

I was wondering if you had any suggestions for books that I could read.  I am a stepmother to two kids, I have been their step mom for 3 years.  We also have 2 additional girls.  We need help with communication.  The kids’ mom is a hot head and is starting to put them in the middle of things because she is jealous and wants things to be her way or the highway, and we have told her NO!  She’s gone crazy!  And trying to find fault anywhere she can with my husband and particularly with me so she can take them away from us.  We split custody 50/50, but starting in the beginning of this past year, I have taken care of them after school Mon-Fri and had them with me and the girls all summer.  I understand the natural jealousy and threat she must feel with the fact that I spend the most time with them.  Anyway, what are your thoughts? -A Concerned Stepmom

MY PERSPECTIVE

The Courage to be a Stepmom by Sue Patton Thoele is a fantastic book choice. The author is a psychotherapist who has walked the path and lives to write about it. It comes HIGHLY recommended.

The first question is, what is the goal here? Or more specifically, what is the goal for you and what is the goal for the children?  What is the best way to achieve balance and unity in this situation?

When communicating with the other parent, your spouse needs to be the main show.  You are an equal party in your marriage, but when it comes to managing the relationship with his children’s mother, it is his responsibility to be the first line of offense (or defense depending on how you see it) and support you along the way.

Communication is going to be vital and a challenge at times.  The intensity of the emotion that comes with the protectiveness we feel for our children and any hurt or anger we feel ourselves can become an obstacle.  In any form of communication, once one party feels defensive and attacked, the communication can become blocked and shut down.  The goal becomes defending yourself and not as much hearing what the other person has to say. That will be the challenge.

If a disagreement between you does arise, focus on the fact that you do not have control over how you are spoken to, what is said or the way it said, but you do have control over how you respond.  Make it clear how you expect to be spoken to and how to respectfully meet your needs.  If the person you are speaking to becomes irrational, do your best to remain calm and keep your points simple and clear.  Feeding fire with fire only creates a bigger blaze, making it less manageable to control and creating lasting damage even after it burns out.

When it comes to the children, do whatever you can not to ever bad mouth the other parent.  When we speak negatively of someone, we are attempting to sway the person we are telling to side with us and pick an allegiance.  Inadvertently asking a child to pick an allegiance of those they are supposed to trust is unfair, unnecessary and hurtful, no matter which direction it goes in.  It is extremely important to model behavior and respect for everyone in the family because children learn what they see and experience.  Every interaction we have with others, teaches them how to treat people and us! Again, you can not control how they perceive the interactions between you and the other parent, but you can definitely control how you engage and what you model.

The best part of this is that you are in complete control of how you handle and view this situation, which is both empowering and comforting.  No matter what happens, you get to call the shots as to how you will respond. Not to say it’s easy (and may even feel impossible at times) to let go of the frustration and the moments where you feel your hands are tied, but when you step back and realize that you can change your perspective, your viewpoint, your attitude, at any moment, you have the ability to maintain your balance each step of the way.

Rain, Rain Go Away (Or Put on Your Boots and Go Out and Play)

Once upon a time, on a seasonably warm and rainy Sunday afternoon, I sat in my living room reading my latest book club book feeling incredibly proud that I might actually have something to contribute to the next discussion.  It had been months, maybe a year actually, since I had read a book to completion for book club.  As I read, I listened to my children reluctantly doing their household chores, becoming distracted every time a new thought entered their minds.  From my lazy perch, I kept reminding them to stay on task.

And then I heard it, the creak of the door to the mudroom and then the slam of the door leading to the garage. My son had escaped.  I sent my daughter to go find him, as it was pouring rain outside.  As she opened the door I heard her yell my son’s name in her usual annoyed tone.  Then silence for a while and giggling laughter passing beneath the window I sat near.  Ugh! Now I would have to get up and question what on earth they were doing in the rain.  Didn’t they care that I just wanted to sit and relax?

I searched and found them hanging out in the little clubhouse of their swing set. I imagined how wet they were and was annoyed with having to go through the lecture of knowing better than to be outside in the rain.  To my surprise, they came running with full rain gear on and umbrella in use. Not wet at all.  They excitedly began sharing tales of the big puddles they found in the yard that went up to their waists and then laughing at their own exaggerations.  I looked at them knowing it was now my duty to tell them to get inside, dry themselves off and get back to work.  And then the question came…why? Why couldn’t they play outside in the rain, get dirty, jump in puddles, go on an adventure in their own yard?  I had no good reason.

It wasn’t like they had never played in the rain before either. It had just typically been during a time I didn’t have earmarked for getting their chores done and not being allowed to have any fun until that happened.  Unlike Cinderella, there was no fancy ball to look forward to, maybe dessert after lunch if they were lucky.  It was just my own expectations, getting in their way.

When I told them they could continue their adventures, you would have thought they were about to go to the ball!  They ran inside to pack a backpack full of snacks and supplies they would need as they headed out into the wild.  I even held my breath when I heard them planning on choosing one stuffed animal each for the journey.  Wet stuffed animals…great.  But really, why did I care?  It was their adventure to take, their stuffed animal to share it with, their time to just be kids.  It was my job to allow them the opportunity and provide the towels at the end. I relished in the moments of their planning session as they happily sang out what they would need in the “big storm” and smiled as my daughter announced that I was the “best mommy ever.”  I am always the “best mommy ever” when I allow them to do or eat the things they know I don’t support.  If only they knew how hard of job it is to be the mediocre and sometimes mean mom that they are used to.

I sat and listened to them with the back door open, laughing and giving advice to each other of how to survive the storm.  Their giggles were musical and infectious.  And when they came to the door, knocked politely and asked in their adorable little voices, “Mommy, why don’t you get off your lazy tushie and join us.” Lazy tushie?! It was true.  So I put down my book and lame excuses and joined them.  That’s right, I then rose to the “Coolest Mommy Ever”. 

Had I held on to my expectations of them so fiercely, which is not uncommon, we would have had a very different experience.  They would have spent the day cleaning their playroom, putting away laundry and helping with all the household chores and I would have been happy with the accomplishments. Yet, they would have missed out on the opportunity to pack together for the big storm and spend six hours (yes, six hours!) outside playing in the rain and enjoying their own company.  The house will get cleaned later…maybe. And that’s okay.

So often we have a plan in mind that must get done, we must keep ourselves and our children on track and we do it for the good of our family.  As we should! We would drive ourselves nuts if we were to let it all go.  But when the expectations don’t fit the mold of the day or the week or even the shape of our child, it may be time to reevaluate why it’s so important to us.

If we let the rain become our obstacle, or our own unwavering expectations, we may miss out on the experiences that highlight the joy in our lives and the opportunity to appreciate what is staring us in the face, or asking us ever so nicely to “come play with me.”   And the bonus, I now have one more perfectly crafted picture to add to my mental scrapbook and I just had to wear rain boots to get it.

Education: Whose Responsibility Is It?

Age 5, you’ve been waiting for your child to get here for what feels like forever, but in reality, its only been five years, an entire lifetime as a new parent.  The first day of school. A time to let go and acknowledge that your role as primary educator is shifting and you are now looking at job sharing. Job sharing with someone who doesn’t know you or your child.

Job sharing… you wonder “what are my responsibilities in this new shared profession and what are the responsibilities of the other employee who has the degree and certification calling them an expert? How can we both work together to figure this out?”

In an effort to simplify things, look at it this way…If we choose to rely on the educational system and the teachers of our children’s school to single handedly motivate, teach, discipline, inspire and lift our children to new knowledge laden heights, we will continuously be greatly, greatly disappointed.  Of course that is not to say that this WON’T be done for our children by a few select educators, but if you are holding your breath, you better have some back up oxygen just in case.

When we chose to have this child in our lives, we took a vow. Without saying the words out loud, we promised to cherish, love, support, educate, reward, punish, juggle, sing off key to get them to laugh, not rip out all our hairs when they stop listening to us and hold our tongue when they are making the “biggest mistake of their lives” because they have to learn on their own. It’s a lot of responsibility, without question, but the bottom line, we are teaching our children what we feel is valuable and right, which includes working hard in school, the importance of independence, how to effectively self advocate and when to know you’ve reached your limits.  These are family values and invaluable life skills and no one else should have the role of teaching this to our child.

When our children’s teacher went to college, they too took a silent vow, to help support, challenge, question, provoke, and teach direct knowledge to the students entrusted in their hands.  They did not however, promise to remind our child to do their homework, ask for help when they need it or grade our child based on whether or not they are having a bad day.  It is their role to educate based on the curriculum, ideally in various formats that potentially intrigue and inspire our child to want to learn more.  Unfortunately, for all of us, it’s our child’s responsibility to feel the inspiration.  We can teach them, through example, what inspiration looks like for us and how it gets us where we want to be, but we can’t seem to crawl in their brains and place it in there for them.

So, yes, we should look to the educational system to provide the facts, the details, the knowledge we can’t possibly remember, as well as hope they will support our child when the need arises. But when it comes to the values, the life skills, the self advocacy, it’s all us, the parents, the supreme educators in our child’s life.  A job with a very small paycheck, but very large rewards.  Why else do you think the teachers do it?

To Work or Not to Work, That is the Question

To work or not to work, that is the question.

As I write this, I am blissfully sitting with my children on the beach of my town’s lake, listening to happy children splash in the water with the sun shining brightly and the smell of lathered sunscreen everywhere.  I love summer and I love not working.

Now yesterday, when I was up at 6:00 a.m., out for a run, two loads of laundry deep, traveling to the dentist, grocery store, farm stand and then on to pick strawberries, build a lemonade stand and prepare for a low key end of the year party at my house in the evening, I wondered if this is the life for me.  By the end of the day, my “real” job seemed relaxing and stress free.

First, I have to admit, I am incredibly lucky to not work in the summer.  However, I also have to say, I chose much of my luck. I knew before children I would want to be with them as much as I could, so choosing a counseling profession where I had the same school hours as them made sense.  And this profession required 7 years of full time college, so hard work and sacrifice also came into play.

When I had my first baby, I loved her beyond measure and agonized over the idea of returning to work. Even though nature and proactive planning allowed me four months of maternity leave, it did not lessen my working mother’s guilt an ounce.

Yet, I went back to work, stressing over daycare costs and feeling the need to spend every moment with my child.  Even though she was happy, well adjusted and would go to just about anyone, I worried.  It was completely my issue.  But we needed the money and couldn’t possibly survive on one income.  Until we did.

My husband unexpectedly lost his job when my son was 1 and my daughter 4.  Due to the loss of income, we opted to have him stay home with the children.  And by the way, he was an AWESOME stay at home dad or Daddy Daycare, as he preferred.  He even became our friends back up childcare in times of need.  But we had done the math prior to the job loss and it would never work. But work we made it, for two full years.

Making it work was not easy.  We debated and number crunched.  We looked at both long term and short term goals.  We knew we’d give up salary potential, as well as retirement investments to make the decision to stay home.  The debates were not balanced and neither were the sacrifices.  Making it work included both of us working part time jobs for extra income and getting rid of our extra cable channels,  land line telephone and any other “unnecessary” expenses we could think of.  The two years my husband stayed home with the children were years he could not get back, with a job or with the children.  We had to decide which years were more important to lose. In the end, the children won, their years were precious and their development fast paced.

My husband relished in his time home with kids. He grew a bond with his children he may have never experienced otherwise.  They had their own jokes and rituals and TV shows they shared.  Although when I came home to my 5 year daughter singing the theme song to “The Nanny” and “The Golden Girls,” I did seriously question calling around town for daycare openings.  But the truth was, they loved it.  And I loved knowing they were home with their Dad.  Those two years flew by and once my daughter began full time school, my husband began full time work, and the craziness began again.

The decision to work when you have kids can be a tough one.  Or not tough at all when you are a single parent.  But none the less, both jobs are a challenge!  Personally, I feel like I get the best of both worlds.  I love getting paid to help people, truly love it. I also love adult conversation and friends laughing at my dumb, yet highly intellectual jokes…actually I need it!  I love getting a paycheck to help pay for my home and the clothes on our backs and internet on my phone, I simply can’t go back!

I also love being home and bringing my kids to the lake, the playground,  local farms, museums and picnicking as often as possible.  And now that they are well out of diapers and can pack their own bags, I appreciate it even more!

When I’m home full time with my children, I greatly appreciate that I know what they are thinking, how they are feeling and what is influencing their day.  It’s always strange to me when they start school and begin a new life on their own without me. I am left with holding on to faith that all will be well.

Each job has its challenges.  During the school year I agonize over bills, not enough time with the kids and when I will have a few minutes or an hour to myself.  When I’m not working, I agonize over my kids arguing, having too much time with them, wondering what “productive” feels like, and when I will have a few minutes or an hour to myself.

But the good news, no matter what, it always works out.  This is a natural fact and one we can hold on to.  It doesn’t mean that life doesn’t get hard, but it does mean that we can always make it better depending on the choices we make for ourselves and the way we view a situation.  My husband was devastated when he lost his job, but we chose to make it work to our advantage and created a positive experience for our family.  We took a gamble, won all our money back and made enough for a pizza on a Friday night.   Most often, it really all boils down to perspective and how we adapt to change.  And let’s face it, life is one big transition day after day!

So to work or not to work?  The real question is how will you make it work for you?

All Children Are Not Created Equal

“Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories.” ~John Wilmot

All children are not created equal. We recognize this when we have more than one pregnancy, when our friend’s child starts to walk and talk quicker than our own and when we see grades on report cards that allow for improvement. And yet, we so often feel compelled to treat our children equally when it comes to parenting.

If there was one style of parenting that worked, there would not be 3 million parenting books to help teach you the way that works for you and your child. Like the acquisition of most life skills, effective parenting is trial and error and the learning curve is often huge!

When most moms get together and talk about their kids, they spend the majority of their conversation swapping stories of how different their children are of each other and their friends. And then they will talk about what discipline or praise works for them. It is often quite different, just as different as our children. And yet, experts still write books which we read on how to do it the “right” way. Really?

My daughter is a gem. Sensitive, kind, insightful, super smart and well mannered, she brings us great pride. She is also incredibly manipulative and dramatic and uses her intellect to outsmart friends and her little brother to get what she wants, sometimes in deceptive ways. Confident and hopeful, she tries to work over her parents. Doesn’t she know these skills are genetic?

My daughter is also a perfectionist and has anxious tendencies. I know when I talk to her, I have to be sensitive to how she responds to criticism. She works hard to be the best and when she realizes she isn’t all the time, she struggles with this knowledge. My parenting style with her is direct and firm, but with a lot of reinforcement and praise for her positive behaviors to make sure she recognizes her strengths.

My son is a love. I have frequently labeled him “the happiest boy alive.” Charming, witty and always laughing, he truly seems to embrace every moment of life’s joys. I have also labeled him “the beast.” Impulsive and contrary, with an inability to sit still anywhere, he is tough to monitor in public without fearing arrest.

My son is not a perfectionist, with exception to his perfect ability to accept that he will not do everything well. He is quick to give up when he is frustrated and moves on quickly to the next task at hand, comfortable with his level of success. My parenting style with him is also direct and firm, but with more encouragement to keep trying until he does what he sets out to accomplish. He needs continuous redirection and a push to plod forward no matter how tiring or frustrating the task.

As their personalities develop and their behaviors change, I am more aware of how differently I have to treat them, but yet not let them in on the secret, because anyone who has more than one child knows, they are constantly watching for favoritism and discrepancies between how they are being treated. Gender differences and age can also impact how we parent them, but eventually we realize, it’s because they are simply different people, regardless of maturity or gender. By the way, I do think gender makes a big difference in how we parent at times, but that is a different discussion.

So how do you know the right style of parenting for your child? Start with knowing your child and seeing them for who they are. Then take the advice, your own or someone else’s that you have been given and try it out. I really am a firm believer that effective parenting comes from trial and error, which can be time consuming and frustrating, but once you find what works, you are blissfully happy…right up until you and your child change again! And know yourself. If you are given a suggestion that doesn’t jive with your personality, it’s not going to work for you because you won’t be comfortable and it won’t work for your child because they will see it doesn’t fit you. For example, if someone suggested I monitor my son’s every move and redirect his behaviors whenever I see them become negative, it would not work. I believe in fostering independence and learning from your own mistakes. If I were to monitor to his every move, I would get annoyed and he would become dependent on me to know when he was doing something right or wrong and it wouldn’t create the desired result.

So just as much as children are not created equally, neither are their parents! How much trial and error got you to where you are today? My guess is plenty. Sometimes scrapes and bruises help remind us to jump over the rock the next time we see it in our path. And sometimes the scars we endure help define who we are. Error is okay if we learn from it. Embrace what you learn and regroup when it’s not working, with the confidence of knowing we all are in this big learning curve together and with enough patience and effort, it can all work out.

Mother’s Intuition

I knew my child’s pediatrician was a living, breathing reincarnated saint when I first heard him say to me, “trust your mother’s intuition, it is always right.”  Thank goodness he had recognized my brilliance! Now I wouldn’t have to explain in detail why every book I had used to research my daughter’s current symptoms suggested that she did not have the asthma she had been previously diagnosed with and I would no longer be medicating her.

When he gave me permission to make decisions that felt right to me, I knew a door had been opened that I never realized had been closed before.  Trust myself.  I may actually know what I’m doing.

If Mother’s Guilt is a disease, Mother’s Intuition is its cure. Since our child’s birth, we look to outside resources for our information and answers.  Tell us how to make the baby stop crying. Tell us how to know when they’ve had enough to eat.  As they start toddler hood and preschool, tell us if they are developing on track with their peers and tell us the signs to know if they will be serial killers.  Early detection is the key.

Throughout their school years, we look to books, teachers, doctors, counselors, friends, and for some, police officers, to get a stronger impression of our child. Who are they and how can we best support them through their development? We are constantly asking ourselves, am I doing this right? I am suggesting, instead of asking “am I doing this right?”,ask “does what I’m doing feel right?”  You know how to answer that question. It’s the feeling in your gut, the gnawing knowledge you don’t always give recognition. It’s real and it’s yours.  We all have it and have experienced its power, but sometimes, we forget to rely on it and sometimes we forget to allow ourselves to trust what we already know.

If it wasn’t for my Mother’s Intuition, I could have lost my son a couple of years ago at a family party.  As I sat talking to a cousin on the back deck, I randomly interrupted her as I was overcome with a feeling to check on my son.  When he wasn’t in the bouncy house where he was last seen by at least 15 family members, the hunt went out to find him. He was found 10 minutes later, hysterical and overheated locked in a parked car in front of the house on a very warm day.  Mother’s Intuition does not know good manners.  It rudely interrupted my cousin. It does not look for other’s opinions or even ask if we think we are right.  It blatantly tells us how we feel and we can respond accordingly…or not.

By the way, I know we call it Mother’s Intuition because Mom’s rock, but Dad’s have it too and we need to give a little credit where it’s due.  As a counselor, I have worked with some of the best, in tune Dad’s who have no idea just how impressive they are.  Another reason I really believe in reincarnation.  They clearly must have been women in their past lives.

Now the one thing Mother’s Intuition will not give you is a direct list of options to your long list of questions.  But it will tell you when you’ve picked the one that works best for you and your situation. So go ahead, give it a try and Trust Yourself.  There’s a really good chance you may actually know what you’re doing.

“You Get What You Get and You Don’t Get Upset”

“You get what you get and you don’t get upset.”

I don’t actually know where this originated from, but for my children, it was their Auntie Tara, my best friend, who coined the phrase which became our mantra last summer, for the grandiose act of selecting a popsicle. If you pulled out a green, you get a green. If you pull out a red, you get a red. That’s just the way it is. You’re lucky you’re getting a popsicle.

And then it moved onto snack choices or the type of juice that came in the coveted drink box. My children would chant this phrase often to each other when one of them would snub an option that seemed lesser than what they were willing to accept. They were teaching each other the power of acceptance in times of disappointment, an invaluable lesson in the realities of life. You do get what you get and you don’t get upset. Actually, you can and often do get upset, but it’s not going to get you anywhere, another irritatingly valuable lesson.

With childrearing, this lesson is the same, yet can be quite challenging to accept. We begin with expectations for the pregnancy, what the symptoms are and sensations and then compare with everyone we know who is or has been pregnant. After birth, we watch for their steady progression in development and inadvertently start comparing each of their stages to every child we encounter and every chart our pediatrician has. If and when the next child comes, we are constantly comparing their development to the first and how one is so different than the other and how miraculous it is that they share the same genes. We are constantly comparing and contrasting our children to every child and “norm” around them, trying to feel out what characteristics, types of intelligences, and skills we want for them versus what we don’t want. At some point, we either acknowledge that they are who they are and we are okay with that or that they are not what we expected nor how we want them to be and we are hell bent on re-sculpting them. After all we did make them and we should be able to reshape them into our own works of art. If only the stork knew to deliver us clay instead of talking, thinking beings, we’d be all set.

In my professional experience as a counselor, the most frustration I hear from parents occurs when their children are not meeting the expectations they have for them. In my personal experience, the most frustration I feel occurs when my children are not meeting the expectations I have for them. Coincidence?

Let’s face it, when we don’t get what we want and expect, it’s annoying. If you were holding out for the red popsicle, but orange was the only color left, you’d be disappointed, but you really wanted a popsicle, so you take it. It’s still refreshing and gives you the gratification you were looking for, it’s just a different flavor than you originally requested.

When you opted to have a child, you asked for the star running back for the football team, you ended up with the president of the drama club, both with great leadership potential, but different. What makes one better than the other? How we choose to view it.

Maybe you asked for the salutatorian, because really the valedictorian has way too much pressure, so you lowered your expectations just for your child, after all you don’t want to ask too much. And then you ended up with the child who thought community college was a better match for them to strive for and they wanted to save you $120,000 in college tuition. Your child doesn’t want to ask for too much either.

I asked for a respectable member of the community who uses good manners and has excellent social skills. I ended up with a child who runs through the grocery store like a wild beast and touches every item on the shelves 35 seconds after promising he would choose good behaviors. But when he asks if he can have a treat for being such a good boy, he always says “please.”

I believe it can be advantageous to ask where our expectations come from. Are they social norms and standards we are striving for them to meet? Or are they dreams and goals we created for them that they don’t seem to share? Either way, they are still ours and not theirs. That doesn’t mean we should change them, it just means we can acknowledge where they came from and assess their merit and the level of effort needed to teach them if they are indeed worth it.

If you wanted your child to play soccer because you were a soccer player, but your child would rather sit on the side lines and draw, fine. Let them try soccer for a couple of seasons (sometimes they don’t realize what a great sport it is until 3 years later), and let all your relatives know that drawing pads and colored pencils are the greatest gift they could give. And when your child “accidentally” pops their soccer ball with a kitchen knife and they just can’t go to practice without it, call it a day and consider letting it go. You both gave it a shot. Feed your expectation, but don’t starve your child when they don’t want to pick out the same item on the menu that you want.

Speaking of food, I am super conscientious about what I buy and serve my children, but I must admit, my kids turned me on to popsicles last summer…even sometimes the ones with high fructose corn syrup…shhhh. Because of their insistence, I truly do not care which flavor I get. I do still have my preferences, but I am learning to adapt to all flavors and brands. And I am slowly discovering, that no matter what, popsicles are great and I’m lucky to get one at all.