Finding Faith in a Moving Box or a Box of Wine; It All Works Out

Regroup. Reframe. Relax. This is my motto. My theme if you will. I use it in my writing, my personal perspective, my work and my every day life.  And yet, it’s a challenge. And right now, I am feeling very, very challenged.

I’m not sure if this is the appropriate place to vent, but seeing as I write about perspective and getting comfortable with our world, maybe it’s the perfect place to vent.

You see, I’m moving. And if you have ever moved, you will recall the highs and lows that come with moving and making just about any transition in your life.  I’m not opposed to transition and change, I know it’s inevitable and it helps us grow, but to combat any discomfort, I like to plan everything out and am a chronic goal setter because it makes me feel less chaotic during change. As long as I feel some semblance of personal control during transition, I’m good.

When my husband suggested we move (for the past three years, but I was in denial until this past Spring) I was very hesitant, and assumed/hoped we’d never find what we liked and would have to stay in our current home and expand.  I felt very strongly about this until I started visualizing myself in each new house and slowly started to see our family growing in these places.  And when we found the house we really wanted, that had everything we were looking for, we knew we had arrived, it was meant to be.

And so began our summer of transition. My normal goal of shutting down and relaxing with my children at the lake each day and berry picking and pool hopping had to shift to the new goal of getting fully prepared to move at the end of the summer and unfortunately during the first week of school.  But it’s a great house and I’m a great planner, so it would be a sacrifice well worth it.

Every transition has its low points and drama and the buying and selling of our houses has had its fair share in the past two months, but they’ve been manageable…until two weeks ago.  Long story short, we are scheduled to close on our current home this week, our boxes are packed, we’re on our way out, but at this very moment, we have no definitive plan on where we will move to.

Due to a major error on the seller of the house we are buying, we are no longer closing on the house this week. We may be in the future, but there is no guarantee and there are significant risks in the process of waiting it out.  We were offered the option of renting the house while we wait, but we still have not seen a rental agreement and we must be out of our home in four days.  We have no concrete back up plan- which is unheard of for me- but I am holding out.  Why? I am relying on Faith. I am practicing what I believe in and what I struggle with.

This morning I made various lists for myself of what I need to get done today.  Remaining closets that need packing, meal plan for the week, clothes laid out for school and a final exit plan for the house- the house I didn’t want to leave. I am taking control of what I can.  And the rest, a very large rest, I am leaving to Faith.  It is not easy. I am battling the What If’s, the uneasiness of not having an action plan, and the sadness of leaving the security and comfort of my home.  But I choose to believe that it will be okay.  I have to. I have to believe that it will work out for my family. I have to regroup various times throughout the day, I have to re-frame my thoughts almost continuously and I have to relax, at least once a day, if even with help of a nice glass of Pinot Noir.  It is imperative.

I will have a back up emergency plan in a few days if I have to.  But for now, I’m riding it out.  Somehow, when it all works out, I think it will make the reliance on Faith that much more rewarding. And if it doesn’t……we’ll cross that bridge.

This particular life challenge has been a struggle, but not one I’m afraid to tackle.  It’s not any harder than the others and the lessons we’re learning will be invaluable somewhere down the road.  So if you don’t hear from me in a month, its not that I’ve given up. It’s that I’ve been locked up, behind some padded walls by some very skeptical people who are uncomfortable with my incurable optimism…or in the storage facility I am living in that doesn’t have Wi-Fi.  Either way, it only gets better from here, right?

Back to School: What’s Our Role in Our Children’s Education?

Age 5, you’ve been waiting for your child to get here for what feels like forever, but in reality, its only been five years, an entire lifetime as a new parent.  The first day of school. A time to let go and acknowledge that your role as primary educator is shifting and you are now looking at job sharing. Job sharing with someone who doesn’t know you or your child.

Job sharing… you wonder “what are my responsibilities in this new shared profession and what are the responsibilities of the other employee who has the degree and certification calling them an expert? How can we both work together to figure this out?”

In an effort to simplify things, look at it this way…If we choose to rely on the educational system and the teachers of our children’s school to single handedly motivate, teach, discipline, inspire and lift our children to new knowledge laden heights, we will continuously be greatly, greatly disappointed.  Of course that is not to say that this WON’T be done for our children by a few select educators, but if you are holding your breath, you better have some back up oxygen just in case.

When we chose to have this child in our lives, we took a vow. Without saying the words out loud, we promised to cherish, love, support, educate, reward, punish, juggle, sing off key to get them to laugh, not rip out all our hairs when they stop listening to us and hold our tongue when they are making the “biggest mistake of their lives” because they have to learn on their own. It’s a lot of responsibility, without question, but the bottom line, we are teaching our children what we feel is valuable and right, which includes working hard in school, the importance of independence, how to effectively self advocate and when to know you’ve reached your limits.  These are family values and invaluable life skills and no one else should have the role of teaching this to our child.

When our children’s teachers went to college, they too took a silent vow, to help support, challenge, question, provoke, and teach direct knowledge to the students entrusted in their hands.  They did not however, promise to remind our child to do their homework, ask for help when they need it or grade our child based on whether or not they are having a bad day.  It is their role to educate based on the curriculum, ideally in various formats that potentially intrigue and inspire our child to want to learn more.  Unfortunately, for all of us, it’s our child’s responsibility to feel the inspiration.  We can teach them, through example, what inspiration looks like for us and how it gets us where we want to be, but we can’t seem to crawl in their brains and place it in there for them.

So, yes, we should look to the educational system to provide the facts, the details, the knowledge we can’t possibly remember, as well as hope they will support our child when the need arises. But when it comes to the values, the life skills, the self advocacy, it’s all us, the parents, the supreme educators in our child’s life.  A job with a very small paycheck, but very large rewards.  Why else do you think the teachers do it?

Fun Fact: This is the first article I wrote and shared with my brilliant friend and school psychologist, Sue Tobin of Parenting Owl. If you’ve ever enjoyed my perspectives, you can thank Sue inspiring me and getting me started.

Facebook and Your Teen: Friend or Foe?

I was recently honored to write an original article for the inspiring online magazine Bonbon Break on the topic of teens sharing on Facebook. If you’ve even seen the ongoing communication between teens on their Facebook pages, you will understand what I’m talking about.

Read here and let me know what you think.

Peeling the Layers to Understand Kids and Those Around Us

I am a people person.  I like people. They intrigue me and I like to understand what makes them tick.  One of the benefits of being a high school counselor is that I get to meet all different types of kids.  I see the high achievers, the not so inspired, the funny, the bright, the anxious, the depressed, and everything in between.  A natural analyzer, I have the luxury of having multiple personalities at my disposal to read and understand, helping me craft my skills.

What I like the most about meeting people is peeling their layers in an effort to understand where they are coming from.  Each of us has layers of our personalities, of what we are willing to show and what we are more comfortable hiding.  Typically, what we hide is well protected and is revealed only at times or moments we deem as safe.

Kids are not quite as good at hiding their layers and that is an advantage  for those of us trying to get in to understand and help them.  And depending on what they show, their layers are more transparent than they’d like to think.  The high achievers have the secret underworld of insecurities, waiting for those around them to find out that they are not as perfect as they portray.  The not so inspired haven’t found their niche or their passion yet, so they choose behaviors that either keep them under the radar or keep them in full view for all to see they are struggling.  And the everything in between kids probably protect their layers more than the rest, and they are so good at keeping them hidden, they may not even notice how interesting each of their layers are.  Once you peel off the layers and see them for who they are, they each have their own brand of beauty to add to the world and their needs are basically the same…to be loved and to give love.  It’s just innate.

Over the years, I’ve noticed that I spend more time getting to know the kids who face heavy challenges.  I’ve run multiple groups for teens including Anger Management, High Risk Behaviors and Grief Groups.  Although individual counseling provides insight into the person, group counseling provides insight into the person and how that person works in a society, obviously a much smaller society, but none the less, their interactions with others is quite telling.

We’ve all watched people socialize in groups, how they interact, the way they position themselves and the body language…its what makes people watching so fun.  We’ve been annoyed with how one person presents themselves in groups and wished they’d go away.  We’ve also been surprised on occasion when we’ve talked to the same person one on one and they really weren’t that unpleasant or annoying as we originally judged them to be.  Once we let go of our assumptions and invited them to do the same, it’s amazing how the image of one person can instantly change into one we can accept and even like.

And that’s because of our layers. It is my belief, that we each have five layers.  The first layer protects us with words and actions that shelter us and portray whatever image we think will get us what we need. This is the layer we see after knowing someone for five minutes.

The second layer has increased protection with meatier words and behaviors to back up the first layer. We use our behaviors in this layer to mold others perceptions of us and assess how much more we want to share based on their reactions. This is the layer revealed after talking to someone for an hour.

The third layer holds our beliefs of other people and the world, the way we see them and talk about them. For example, do we speak of life experiences and others with a positive tone or a negative?  Do we live our lives with optimism or pessimism, or a combination of both? Our negativity exposes our fears and insecurities and our optimism shows that we are able to find faith and acceptance.

The fourth layer reveals how we see ourselves. Even to those who know us well, we keep this layer well protected as it creeps into the layer where we are most vulnerable.  Our insecurities, our pride, our truest belief in what we feel we are able to do lie here. This layer takes quite a while and a lot of trust to be revealed to others.

The last layer, our core, the culmination of it all, is the essence of who we are and this is the layer we only expose to those we trust the most. In order to see this layer, you will have to prove to us repeatedly that we are safe in your presence and we do not feel judged.  Overall, the more we trust, the more layers we’ll show.

It is typically the most annoying, the most rude, the most outwardly dysfunctional, whose layers are the most transparent, but because of their unpleasant persona, they are most often rejected as the “bad seed,” “loser” or “lost cause.”  Yet, if you take the time to peel off that first layer and then the next, you will more likely find the scared little boy or girl who got hurt somewhere along the way and recognized the need to protect themselves. And what better way to protect themselves than to choose behaviors that repel others from getting close to them and setting them up to be hurt again.

One more layer down, you will see the same little boy or girl who, like everyone else, really does want to be cared for and accepted, but just doesn’t trust enough to allow it to happen. You will also find the self loathing and sadness that peppers their mind with negativity and creates an inability to understand that different behaviors and thinking can create better outcomes.  They just get stuck in their own head which keeps the cycle going strong.

But “lost cause?” “Loser?” “Bad Seed?” I think not.  Broken maybe, but not irrepairable.

We all have layers, therefore, we all have the ability to see the layers in others.  It can take time and patience to wait for others to be comfortable enough to unpeel their layers, but our natural instincts and insight can speed up the process when we allow it to.   That young boy that lives down the road and teases the kids on the block has layers.  That teenage girl who struts around in skimpy clothes has layers too.  The quiet kid who the other kids say is “different” has his own layers.  And each of them has a need to be cared for and accepted.  Just like you and me.

One of my students gave me a card at the end of this school year that read…

“In a world that’s easily impressed with “star quality,” it’s a rare person who sees the promise in quiet souls. Who sees beyond a shy exterior and recognizes a hidden talent.”

I was honored that she saw me this way, but in reality, it’s not a rare person who sees it. We all have the ability to see the promise in others. We just have to be willing to open our eyes, let go of the judgments that muddy our vision and have faith that our efforts will pay off…and one layer at a time, allow the beauty to shine.

What’s your grossest college experience?

I know!! That was exactly my thought when JJ from Stealing Faith asked me a very similar question.  You can see my answers to her 3 Simple Questions and think about your own when you check out her very funny and interesting blog.  She’s smart and makes me laugh.  And what’s even more impressive, she just had her fourth baby and writes regularly. For real.

I am struggling to finish my articles just from crazy summer living alone.

I’d also like to introduce you to Bonbon Break, an incredible online magazine that was launched this month full of excellent articles and amazing women, which recently featured my post If I Was In Control in their Family Room.

Without a doubt, you’ll be glad you checked them out.

As always, thanks for reading!

The Curse of Mother’s Guilt

“If Momma Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy”

There are hundreds and hundreds of pregnancy and baby books which guide you through the trials of pregnancy and living with a newborn, giving you every scenario of the excitement of your growing baby and the intense fear of everything that could go wrong. They cover every aspect of prenatal health and the postnatal care down to learning how to teach your muscles how to support your bladder for long term comfort and deciphering what every coo stands for in your newborn cherub. There’s advice on breastfeeding, post partum blues, twelve different forms of diaper rash and survival tips for living sleep deprived and feeling like mush. Yet the one fact that we are kept sheltered from is the warm introduction to our new lifelong companion, Mother’s Guilt.

Mother’s Guilt is one of the most powerful emotions you will ever experience which follows you around like your first boyfriend who just seemingly hit puberty. And not normal guilt like you did something wrong and were aware of it; useless guilt for not being in the same room when your baby opened their eyes alone or when they still seem hungry after they ate and you were ill prepared to meet their momentary whim. Guilt that you have to work to keep clothes on their back and a roof over their head. Guilt that you stay home with them and don’t love every minute of it. Guilt that they cry when you are not around and guilt that they do cry when you are around and you can’t soothe them. Useless, unnecessary guilt that grows stronger and more pronounced as they do.

When I first had my babies, I rarely left the house outside of work. I felt like I couldn’t leave them because no one could care for them as well as I could. Plus, I worked and oh the guilt that came with that—wow! I felt I had to compensate for my absence by filling our time together with meaningful activities and joyous outings. My time spent with friends was usually limited to play dates. My life was not my own; it was theirs. I was a slave to making sure they had everything I thought they needed. My husband regularly encouraged me to get out more, but I rarely took his advice. Instead, I built up resentment towards him because he seemed to live his life so freely and I was holding on to my guilt of not being everything for my children and slowly losing my identity of who I thought I was.

I am well aware of the fact that in order to effectively take care of someone else, you must first take care of yourself. I have offered that knowledge to others and meant it. But it wasn’t until I started living it myself that I discovered it really is true.

I started to take care of myself by learning to trust that my children would be okay without my watchful eye and acknowledging that I was not the end all be all for them. I began to attend “Book Club,” and “Ladies Night” and added in regular dinner dates with friends. It was time for me to be me and relinquish my role as mommy for a few moments to role of woman who has a brain and interests outside of managing every aspect of my child’s wellbeing. And an amazing thing occurred, I was re introduced to a friend I forgot how much I once liked and respected, ME!

As our child’s primary educators in life we are teaching them the importance of taking care of ourselves by our example and the satisfaction that comes with it. We need to train them and ourselves that the word “selfish” does not have to come with a negative connotation. We are teaching our children our values within our absence. When I go to the gym, my kids learn that I value health and wellness. When I go out with my friends, they learn the value of maintaining friendships and the necessity of tending to their growth. When I go to work, they learn the value of getting an education which allows me to work in a job that I enjoy. If we want our children to grow up to be individuals we must teach them that we too are individuals AND be okay with it.

Now my Mother’s Guilt has me playing legos for longer than I’d like and having a picnic dinner on the living room floor because its “fun,” but it feels much more manageable since I have found its natural remedies which are following my personal values and Mother’s Intuition to know when I am doing what is best for my child. I am still the greatest mother in the world to them because I want to be there and I want to take care of them, which makes balance that much easier.

As our children grow, so do their problems and our insecurities on how to handle them. We will always have questions on how to solve these problems, as we should. How do we know if we are doing it right unless we’ve done it wrong? Let go of the guilt and hold on to the faith that together, you will get it right.

This is a re-post from when I first started my blog and one I needed to re-read as a reminder.  Guilt is annoying, isn’t it?

Overscheduling Our Children: How do you know when Enough is Enough?

My favorite part of summer is how relaxed our days are.  There is no homework to look over, or paperwork to sign or commitments that take up our afternoons when we’d rather be hanging out doing nothing after work and school all day.  We are free to just Be.

I have such great memories of childhood play.  Spending hours each day with the kids in the neighborhood building forts, playing games on the swing set where we couldn’t put our feet on the ground because it was a pit of lava, riding our bikes all throughout the neighborhood (without helmets-gasp!) and playing Ghost in the Graveyard well into the darkness of the day.  These memories shape the way I choose to parent my children now, longing for the days of a simpler life and yet, competing with an era where life is not so simple and carefree for kids.

Working with teenagers, I see the strain our culture puts on them to stay in the game.  The pressure is on to be a top scholar, join a bunch of different clubs and activities to be “well rounded,” play sports, but play one in particular really well and commit to it year round if you want to get ahead.  And the purpose? It could be a variety of things.

Is it because they feel the need to stand out to prospective colleges? Is it because their parents wanted them to try everything they didn’t get to do? Is it because they want to spend every one of their waking hours proving their self worth to….???? It’s different for each of them.  Either way, the pressure is on both internally and externally to do everything they can and do it all well.

And I wonder, when do they ever get to play?

Recently, I made the decision to not allow my 9 year old daughter to play on a premier soccer team in addition to our town’s travel team.  I struggled with this one for a while.  Since she began doing activities at age 3, I’ve always said she could do one activity each season, and the rest of the time, she was expected to enjoy free play.  But now, at age 9, they play soccer each season, just as you can play most sports each season.  It’s great if you know that soccer is your thing and you just want to play that sport, but what if you don’t know?

What if you, like my daughter, has had limited exposure to other sports because your mother only allowed you to do one activity per season and you chose soccer because it’s the one you know and like?  What if you just think it’s your favorite activity, but then you discover tennis later in life and find you are the top dog in the town, but you missed years of developing your swing? What if your neurotic mother lies awake at night trying to decide if this is the right move for you?  Hmm…and I wonder why I have a What If Child.

At the end of the day, or the long night I kept thinking about it, I decided that she needed to be exposed to more sports or activities, but she wouldn’t have to give up soccer, I’d allow her to do both. However, that meant she could only choose one soccer team to play on and pick up something additional.  Yet, another example of how our parenting theories shift and re-balance based on the decision of the hour. First, introducing nitrate laden hotdogs and now, adding more activities. What will be next?

But seriously, I just want my kids to play.  I want them to get off the school bus, jump on their bike or play games in the yard.  I want them to play “don’t touch the lava with your feet or you’ll melt” on the swing set and Ghost in the Graveyard into dark.  I want them to be kids and just Be.

Group and individual activities are great.  They allow them exposure to their different strengths, how to follow instructions, how to communicate well with others, and how practicing a skill makes them better at it.  They also teach the importance of commitment to the community of those who share their interest.

But free play is equally valuable.  It allows them to use their imagination and to problem solve.  It teaches them how to communicate with others, but also how to sit comfortably on their own.  It awards them space to find their strengths without instruction and investigate what works for them.

The strive for balance is universal.  The way to achieve it is individual.

When it comes to making decisions for our children, which we still get to while they live in our house and use our resources, it’s helpful to look at the short term and long term goals of what’s important to us and to them.  What we teach them now is the foundation of what they will expect from themselves and from others as they grow and develop into their individuality.  No pressure….

Except there is pressure and it’s everywhere.  The key is to ask yourself where the pressure is coming from and how you want to handle it.  What is the end goal you are shooting for when offering opportunities to your children?  And are you both enjoying the ride?  When you can answer these questions comfortably, you know you are on your way to balancing what works for you and your child.

In the meantime, get outside and kick the ball around, catch fireflies at dusk and maybe even start up a game of freeze tag.  The value of play never decreases and never gets old.

Do you think kids are over scheduled these days and what do you do to avoid over scheduling your own?

To Work or Not to Work? That is the Question

This felt like a timely re-post since I just began my summer break and nostalgia kicked in.  Summer rocks.

To work or not to work, that is the question.

As I write this, I am blissfully sitting with my children on the beach of my town’s lake, listening to happy children splash in the water with the sun shining brightly and the smell of lathered sunscreen everywhere.  I love summer and I love not working.

Now yesterday, when I was up at 6:00 a.m., out for a run, two loads of laundry deep, traveling to the dentist, grocery store, farm stand and then on to pick strawberries, build a lemonade stand and prepare for a low key end of the year party at my house in the evening, I wondered if this is the life for me.  By the end of the day, my “real” job seemed relaxing and stress free.

First, I have to admit, I am incredibly lucky to not work in the summer.  However, I also have to say, I chose much of my luck. I knew before children I would want to be with them as much as I could, so choosing a counseling profession where I had the same school hours as them made sense.  And this profession required 7 years of full time college, so hard work and sacrifice also came into play.

When I had my first baby, I loved her beyond measure and agonized over the idea of returning to work. Even though nature and proactive planning allowed me four months of maternity leave, it did not lessen my working mother’s guilt an ounce.

Yet, I went back to work, stressing over daycare costs and feeling the need to spend every moment with my child.  Even though she was happy, well adjusted and would go to just about anyone, I worried.  It was completely my issue.  But we needed the money and couldn’t possibly survive on one income.  Until we did.

My husband unexpectedly lost his job when my son was 1 and my daughter 4.  Due to the loss of income, we opted to have him stay home with the children.  And by the way, he was an AWESOME stay at home dad or Daddy Daycare, as he preferred.  He even became our friends back up childcare in times of need.  But we had done the math prior to the job loss and it would never work. But work we made it, for two full years.

Making it work was not easy.  We debated and number crunched.  We looked at both long term and short term goals.  We knew we’d give up salary potential, as well as retirement investments to make the decision to stay home.  The debates were not balanced and neither were the sacrifices.  Making it work included both of us working part time jobs for extra income and getting rid of our extra cable channels,  land line telephone and any other “unnecessary” expenses we could think of.  The two years my husband stayed home with the children were years he could not get back, with a job or with the children.  We had to decide which years were more important to lose. In the end, the children won, their years were precious and their development fast paced.

My husband relished in his time home with kids. He grew a bond with his children he may have never experienced otherwise.  They had their own jokes and rituals and TV shows they shared.  Although when I came home to my 5 year daughter singing the theme song to “The Nanny” and “The Golden Girls,” I did seriously question calling around town for daycare openings.  But the truth was, they loved it.  And I loved knowing they were home with their Dad.  Those two years flew by and once my daughter began full time school, my husband began full time work, and the craziness began again.

The decision to work when you have kids can be a tough one.  Or not tough at all when you are a single parent.  But none the less, both jobs are a challenge!  Personally, I feel like I get the best of both worlds.  I love getting paid to help people, truly love it. I also love adult conversation and friends laughing at my dumb, yet highly intellectual jokes…actually I need it!  I love getting a paycheck to help pay for my home and the clothes on our backs and internet on my phone, I simply can’t go back!

I also love being home and bringing my kids to the lake, the playground,  local farms, museums and picnicking as often as possible.  And now that they are well out of diapers and can pack their own bags, I appreciate it even more!

When I’m home full time with my children, I greatly appreciate that I know what they are thinking, how they are feeling and what is influencing their day.  It’s always strange to me when they start school and begin a new life on their own without me. I am left with holding on to faith that all will be well.

Each job has its challenges.  During the school year I agonize over bills, not enough time with the kids and when I will have a few minutes or an hour to myself.  When I’m not working, I agonize over my kids arguing, having too much time with them, wondering what “productive” feels like, and when I will have a few minutes or an hour to myself.

But the good news, no matter what, it always works out.  This is a natural fact and one we can hold on to.  It doesn’t mean that life doesn’t get hard, but it does mean that we can always make it better depending on the choices we make for ourselves and the way we view a situation.  My husband was devastated when he lost his job, but we chose to make it work to our advantage and created a positive experience for our family.  We took a gamble, won all our money back and made enough for a pizza on a Friday night.   Most often, it really all boils down to perspective and how we adapt to change.  And let’s face it, life is one big transition day after day!

So to work or not to work?  The real question is how will you make it work for you?

What is Parenting anyway?

Want to learn a little bit more about me?   You can read my wrap up interview as Green Eggs and Mom’s Blog of the Month. Check it out here…

I really enjoyed and appreciated sharing on Green Eggs & Moms this month and was amazed and flattered by the support of Anne (who is a must read herself) and her readers.  Thanks for having me Anne!!

If you haven’t subscribed to her weekly newsletter yet, you’re missing out. 

Thanks to all who read and share!

The Key to Raising Successful Kids: A Lesson For All

Do you ever realize the lower you keep your expectations, the less likely you are to be disappointed? I don’t expect my children to be the valedictorians of their class, the top athlete in their school, or the most talented in pretty much anything.  But I do have strong expectations for them to be kind, courteous and use good manners because those are the skills that I know will get them anywhere they want to go.

The most impressive people, both young and old, that I have ever met are those who look me in the eye when they talk to me, who naturally use the words “Please” and “Thank You” and who show genuine concern and interest in whatever is going on around them.

Their mannerisms make me feel like they are acknowledging what I have to offer, which makes me drawn to them.  They make a connection and reel me in and I am open to helping them or supporting them in whatever capacity they need.  It’s fairly basic psychology. People want to feel cared for, listened to and appreciated, and using good manners is the most direct way to achieve this…and  the quickest way to get what you want.

Most people teach their children to say “Please” because we are socially driven to do so.  But the real meaning behind using the word “Please” is a polite and direct acknowledgement that we need something from the other person.  When we use the word “please” we are giving the other person perceived power that they are doing us a favor by responding in a way we desire. It makes them feel considered and important, and when used with kindness, it makes them want to help us and give us what we want.

On the flip side, if we instruct and demand what we want without using “Please,” we are implying they have no power and must give us what we expect, without any acknowledgement of appreciation.  You may get the same result, but it will be done so with less desire and possible resentment.

For example:

You are working customer service at the airport and a frantic mother comes up to you because she just realized she and her child have seats that are rows apart. She is panicked at the thought of separation.

Mother Demanding: I just realized that my son has a seat 7 rows up from mine. I need you to change it.  He can’t be that far away from me.  We are boarding in 3 minutes and I need you to do it now.

Or…

Mother Manners: I just realized that my son has a seat 7 rows up from mine. I am concerned about him being that far away from me.  Will you please look to see if there is some way I can sit closer to him? I would really appreciate it. We are boarding in 3 minutes and I am getting nervous.

Who do you want to help more? The end result may be the same, but one request makes you feel like you are helping (which naturally makes us feel good) and the other makes you feel underappreciated while meeting their demands. You will naturally work harder for Mother Manners because of the way she makes you feel, and you may even give her the 1st class upgrade to make you both feel even that much better.

The same goes with “Thank You.” Those simple words are an acknowledgement that we appreciate what someone has done for us.  When we show appreciation towards someone, it makes them feel noticed and worthwhile and they are more likely to want to help you again because of the way you made them feel.

And we can’t forget “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry is an acknowledgement that we have made a mistake and we are learning from it.  If said with authenticity, it gives the person you hurt solace to know that you feel badly for wronging them and they can continue to trust that you will work to not hurt them again.  Which is why, if we say “I’m sorry” too often, it becomes meaningless to those who tire of the broken promise of betterment.

If you are a person who directs your child to say “I’m sorry” frequently, it would also be wise to teach them the meaning of the words and decreased value of its overuse or when said without any emotional investment.

A technique I use with my children to remind them to use their manners, is to say “Manners” when the time is right, so they have to think and process which manners to use.  It’s like quizzing them to see if they can get  the right one, with the intent of teaching them how to figure it out on their own.

When they were younger, they spent a lot of time guessing, but they are developing their critical thinking skills more now and need a lot less reminding.  This, of course, in addition to modeling good manners everywhere you go.  If they don’t see us doing it, why should they?

When we are teaching our children good manners, we are also teaching them how to get what they want and how to get ahead.  If we speak to people with respect, they will feel respected and be more inclined to show us respect in return.  And the more we make others feel acknowledged and appreciated, the more doors and opportunities will open for us simply because we make them feel good. We can’t underestimate the importance of good social skills and consistent use of manners.  It may be the most under publicized key to success.

What techniques do you use to teach your kids good manners?