Using Writing to Work Through Your Fears

There is a real push to encourage each other to think positively.

Flipping our situations and circumstances to make them work to our advantage…and that is very good advice. Personally, I do this often to reduce my own stress level and it’s what I emphasize in my work with others. Reframing challenges into opportunities for amazing growth feels awesome. However, retraining ourselves to think positively after habitually focusing on the obstacles and excuses in our way rarely comes easily.

There is a conscious practice that comes with it to strengthen our abilities to create a new habit of thinking that has us living our lives filled with freedom and awesomeness.

Most of what we struggle with comes from our fears. Fear of the unknown stemming from fears of rejection, abandonment, pain, failure, dependence, loss…and the list goes on. In order to face these fears it’s to our advantage to look at them, feel them, understand them and work with them to move through them.

Because we have so many thoughts going throughout the day, it can be hard to keep track of what it is we are really afraid of when the sinking feeling hits that stops us dead in our tracks.

An extremely helpful technique to work with our fears is to write them down.

It doesn’t matter if you write them in a journal, on the computer, in your phone, on a napkin, or the back of piece of junk mail and then burn them…the key is to get the thoughts out of your head.

You can list them situationally or in general. Write your fears and where they come from. You can rank them in priority status or by which ones are strongest. It doesn’t actually matter as long as you get them out.

After you write them out, question them further.

Is there a solution? Can you problem solve? If not, what would it be like to let it go and release the need for control? What would it feel like to trust that it will resolve itself?

Write out the worst case scenarios.

How will they change your life? Will you still have your family? Your friends? Your dignity? What could you possibly lose that you can’t gain back?

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How New Age Thinking Can Ruin Your Life

"Whatever you do, don’t think negative thoughts or you will bring them to life.”
Whenever I read this or hear someone say this I want to scream. First, I stop and question if that is true because, well, I’m human and if it is true, I’m screwed. Then, I let my intuitive and logical mind unite and remind me that, if that was the case, I would have been poisoned, stabbed, suffocated, burned to ashes, drowned, publically flogged or have been locked up in a padded room by now.

And since that hasn’t happened yet, I’m pretty sure that this “fact” can be re-categorized as an urban myth. As a rational minded mental health professional who is equally committed to her spiritually based mindset, this popular belief drives me even more nuts.

When someone tells you not to think negatively, it’s like saying, don’t think of the color red. Whatever you do, don’t do it. Don’t think of the color red. Block it out of your mind. Don’t do it! Are you doing it? Are you thinking of the color red? Why are you thinking of the color red?? I told you not to. Now your whole world is going to look red. And in your effort of making yourself feel better, you instead feel like a failure, beating yourself up because for the life you, you simply can not block red from your thoughts.  Which makes the red feel even brighter and stronger in your mind.

When we experience challenging moments in life, we are going to have negative thoughts. We are going to have sad thoughts and angry thoughts and fear filled thoughts. To tell ourselves we shouldn’t feel that way is a huge disservice and setback to our healing process.

Giving ourselves permission to feel and think how we are feeling in the moment is sooo important in the process of acceptance. To deny ourselves how we really feel is the act of stuffing our emotions down and that’s the kind of stuff that actually gets us in trouble. Those feelings want to come out. In those moments, they are asking to be heard, they want to be accepted and understood. And when we tell them they are wrong because we are uncomfortable with them, they grow even stronger to keep our attention.

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Five Minutes A Day to Change Your Life

I am just like you. My mind doesn’t turn off.  My internal amusement park has more attractions than Disney World, yet it’s not always quite as fun.  With so many ways to distract ourselves, at times it seems impossible to shut it down.  And sometimes, it is.  But that doesn’t mean we can’t reign it in.  We have way more control than we let ourselves believe.

When I first began to practice meditation, I was in the beginning of my divorce process and I knew I had to do whatever I could to stay emotionally balanced.  With the non-stop worrisome thoughts of what to do next, I was determined to slow down my high speed thought train of fear and discomfort.  I tried every tactic I came across. Between meditation challenges with guided imagery, mantras, chanting, and total silence, I was determined to find my niche. Yet no matter what I tried, I could not find one that found the off button for my thoughts. They just kept going…

After several weeks of getting up early to attempt to meditate, I began to notice a change in my practice. The initial dread of failure began to temper.  Despite the constant questioning of whether the practice was helping, I found myself eagerly anticipating the experience each day. I began to look forward to sitting alone with myself, with my thoughts, still.

The more I practiced, the less I began to judge my process. My thoughts still flowed, but I stopped demanding that they go away.  I gave them permission to come in and out while I continued my practice of sitting still.  I began to notice at the end of each experience that I felt calm, clear and at peace.  Was it possible this was meditation after all?  Keep Reading...

Why YOU Need a Date Day with Yourself

I was off. I knew I was off. I felt my inner exhaustion which only made me more frustrated. I didn’t have time to be off. As a professional counselor, my livelihood requires me to be on. But I wasn’t. I heard my inner self, my higher self, Lulu (yes, I’ve named her) say, “You can’t keep going. What are you going to do about it?”

 I’d overworked myself throughout the week and midway through really questioned who I thought I was. I was totally drained, angry, knowing it was my lesson and the only way to help myself was to step back and ask myself what I needed.  

“Honor where you are….” Lulu would say.

“But the laundry and dirt in the house doesn’t honor where I am,” I would retort.  Or the paperwork that was piling up that I kept ignoring.  And how about that need to spend quality time with my kids, despite finding myself repeatedly apologizing for being so cranky and unpleasant. It was time to surrender.

I made plans to walk with a friend on the day I had designated as my catch up day and figured that would be enough of a boost to keep going. It was a great start. Beautiful early morning, enlightening conversation…perfect. Afterwards, I told my friend I was going to take myself to breakfast and do some work there. Balance. Even better. Thanks for the idea Lulu.

As I sat in the café where I had spent many days beginning to create my business, bringing in very little income, generating ideas and writing, I felt nostalgic.  I remembered writing about my technique of taking the fear out to make major decisions and being proud of my work. I remembered the ongoing practice of employing faith into my everyday life as I rarely felt like I knew what I was doing. Instinctually I began to write about it, tears streaming down my face, in public…honoring where I was at.

At the end of the written page I realized why I was there. I was being reminded of the necessity of trusting in myself and how I felt. It was loud and clear, change was upon me again and my most valuable resource was following my own guidance. Got it Lulu. Thanks.  Now help me wipe away these tears before embarrassment kicks in. 

It was then I knew I had to spend the day with myself reconnecting. I felt neglected. I felt depleted. I needed some space to love and honor my valuable time. The most important work I had to do was with myself.

I drove off to my typical date day destination, a meditation bench that had special meaning for me. When I arrived I learned I’d have pay a fee to get in and I only planned to be there for 15 minutes. I quickly chose to turn around and recognized my need to change up my routine, to trust a new plan, to know I’d be okay. 

I let my heart be my guide, turning down streets I’d never been before, driving aimlessly, yet with clear direction.  I drove down windy roads sharing a lake view, up hills displaying hidden orchards, down dirt roads that promised quiet contemplation.  I text a friend telling her what an amazing day I was having and how I had no idea where I was but I was so happy with the freedom. I could not compare the feeling.  I just felt…bliss.

After steering my way back to a main road I had the vision of stopping at a winery. I wanted to do a wine tasting. I have no idea why. I was in yoga pants and a tee shirt, hardly dressed for this type of outing. Within three minutes one appeared on the side of the road.  Seriously??

Taking the sign I drove in, ecstatic at the find. I didn’t even know what town I was in. The first woman I made eye contact with when I walked in greeted me like she knew me, and I felt like I was supposed to be there.  After a brief conversation she realized she recognized me from my social media business page, AND her oldest friend was my friend I had JUST been texting.  We’d never met. Can the world be any smaller?

After a delightful stay and great conversation, she suggested I get lunch at another café down the road. Since I was on an adventure, I knew I had to trust the sign and go for it.  I took off, directions in hand, gleefully on my way for what was next. After driving for at least 20 minutes I questioned if I had gone the wrong way. The sign welcoming me to the next state suggested indeed I had.

I turned around and ventured back to my destination, learning I had gone in the entirely opposite direction. Typical flighty me not paying attention. I laughed at myself, enjoying my own silly mistake, although curious why Lulu felt I needed the extra mileage.

The café was quiet and the food was as delicious as promised. l began jotting down notes of my day, wondering why I ended up there.  Within 10 minutes, the small café was filled and I looked up from my table to see a friend who I met through my oldest friend.  We had lived in the same town 3,000 miles away at different times, but had always found the connection uncanny. She came over to say hello and comment on how she admired the work I was doing.  We were both 30 minutes from our homes, an unlikely destination to meet up. My heart elevated as I realized this encounter was why I was there.

Had I not taken the “wrong” turn, spent extra time enjoying myself in my day, I would not have seen her. The timing was perfect, yet again.  I did not go off course, I was exactly where I needed to be.

Driving home, I marveled at the experience that shifted my energy completely. I felt rejuvenated, inspired and filled with gratitude. 

When we are most connected to ourselves, we are also more likely to fully trust ourselves in the decisions we make, a necessity for even the most day to day living.  To understand and value ourselves is imperative for our emotional health and wellbeing. The key is to commit. Commit to being a priority in our own lives. Commit to respecting ourselves. Commit to being no less important than anyone else.

Reconnecting with ourselves is by far one of the most important and simple ways to bring us the balance we require to live a life full of contentment. We deserve to be taken care of just as much as anyone else. But only we can decide if we will or we won’t. Honoring where we are and giving ourselves the gift of time to care for ourselves not only nourishes our spirit, it enhances the lives of those around us.  

The ultimate win win.  Thanks again Lulu.

The 30 Days of Me

A few weeks ago I came to realize that I have been in survival mode for the past couple of years.  Maybe not full blown survival mode, but always plotting and planning for what’s next and constantly assessing myself for my emotional and mental balance, as well as my financial security. This would be the result of my making one major life decision after another, which my father has pointed out, people just don’t do for a reason.

But I did and they have been the best decisions for me.  Not easy ones, but the best for my growth and long term well-being. I’m still learning from them, but I am finally at a place where my life has something that resembles structure and a bit more security. I have been craving this security so I wanted to acknowledge that it had arrived.  The only problem, I don’t know what it feels like to be settled for longer than a few days.  The thought of settling myself felt unfamiliar and disjointed, but important to try.

So I started to make lists of what I needed to feel more balanced.  Most of it requires organizing and my busy little brain struggles with that one, but I’m working on it.  I also noticed I was beginning to feel even more off balanced when I was trying to balance myself. I know, not cool. 

After a couple weeks went by I noticed I was beginning to feel a real energetic slump.  I listened to myself encourage my clients to reconnect and learn how to support themselves and it all sounded wonderful. I had done all of this before.  I hit an emotional wall one day last week and begged the Universe for support.  And then it was so obvious I was almost a little embarrassed…it was time to take care of me. I had been feeling disconnected and lost which meant it was time to regroup and reconnect.  After all, I am the one I spend the most time with, I might as well enjoy my company.

I questioned how I would support myself and decided to write them all down. The ideas flooded out of my head. Along with activities came introspective questions that were begging to be addressed.  I needed time to do this, but time feels so limited these days. Yet in order to make this work for me I know I needed to commit.

And so the 30 days of Me was born.  I have been doing at least one thing each day that supports, empowers and helps me reconnect to myself and will do so for 30 consecutive days to create this behavioral habit. In order to fully commit to this process and create this program for myself (and in turn you) I am posting my daily questions and some of the activities I am doing on Facebook.  If you are ready to reconnect to yourself (and you are!) follow along and commit to making it happen. Commit to you!! It’s been a week and I am enjoying this process so much! 

Start by creating a list of 30 things you can do to support yourself.  My list is quite diverse including journaling, buying an outfit that empowers me, looking up inspirational quotes, reading the books I’ve been neglecting, watching a movie when I have other things to do, buying myself flowers, exercising, drinking tea in complete silence, making a list of my achievements, updating my business and personal goals, receiving an energy healing, getting a massage, connecting with my children…so many! 

I notice that it is when I need more time for myself that I typically blow off my self- care practices, which is why this is all so important. Sound familiar?

My list of 30 things I can do to support myself is growing rapidly. And I am finding the more I do for myself, the more I enjoy myself even more.

Isn’t it time for you to enjoy yourself? Obvi.