Dealing with Uncertainty: 5 Tips to Tell The Difference Between Fear and Intuition

I sat in meditation waiting for an answer for over an hour. Okay, that’s not true. It was more like five minutes but it felt like wayyy over an hour. 

I didn’t know what to do. I felt lost and uncomfortable and I wanted that feeling to go away. I didn’t know what was going to happen next and I wanted the answers now so I could plan accordingly. I waited for the quiet voice of intuition to present itself.

Instead, the “what if’s” began.

“What if I get hurt? What if I’m wrong? What if I don’t know what I’m doing? What if something happens and I don’t have what I need?”

I don’t even know what “something” could be but my guess is it’s probably really big and devastating if it’s always invading my thoughts. 

I have been in the business of change for quite awhile now as a mental health counselor and energy therapist. Teaching how to trust is my jam. I’m good at it. I have lots of practices that help the head connect with the heart to make conscious, trust based decisions and I still have to use them alll the time.

It doesn’t come natural to me. Fear is always the loudest voice in the room.

I don’t fault myself for that. I know I’m trained for it. One news article later or a few minutes of scrolling through social media or turning on the television and I’m blasted with some sort of fear that I didn’t have beforehand.  Usually one I didn’t even know I had at all.

It is no wonder we are terrified of uncertainty. It’s marketed as a negative. Like the perpetrator ready to attack us at any moment, we are trained to avoid uncertainty. Keep yourself safe by filling in all the possible blanks to make sure you are fully prepared to combat it. The last thing you want is to face the unknown. Why? Because you can’t control it.

*shiver*

We must control what we don’t know to keep us safe, right? And yet, we can’t. 

If you know anything about psychology or even indulge in pop psychology, you may have heard our brains are wired for a negative bias. From what I’ve studied and personally experienced, that’s true.

By nature, our brains take in sensory information from the environment and scan for danger before we deem our surroundings safe and cozy. This is the oldest part of the brain that is useful when foraging for food and being aware of predators around us. We’re not dropping this part of our brain’s design with good reason. It gives us the sense to look both ways before crossing the street instead of ignoring the fast moving vehicles around us. 

Once our sense has decided the environment is safe enough, we process information from the past to tell us how to cross the street and how to do it well. But sometimes that information gets infiltrated with “knowledge” that wasn’t even ours to begin with or something we didn’t even encounter. This is where other people’s experiences, “truths” and fears come into play. We use this information from outside sources to determine what is true and right for us without ever having experienced it. 

All because “they” said so, and their fears match our own. Or at least the ones we’ve been taught.

This includes our parents and caregivers and the beliefs they inherited from their families and experiences. It’s also our peers, our teachers, our leadership, “experts”, and pretty much anyone we are taking in information from. They become the different voices in our head we use as information when making decisions. 

Often the person we want the most approval from becomes the loudest voice in our head. Those who we believe know more than us or those we want to please. The challenge is deciphering what is their belief and what is our own.  

So how can you tell what is your voice when making a decision and what is not? How do you discern between intuition and fear? I’ll share with you a few tricks that help me tell the difference. 

1- Sit with it. Let the fear speak. It’s a simply a voice that wants to be heard. Let it tell you it’s story and all the reasons it exists. Pretending it’s not real doesn’t quiet it. If it feels ignored it will only get louder to demand your attention. Remember fear is the loudest voice in the room. Just like a tantruming child, it eventually calms and dissipates once it’s been acknowledged and had it’s say.

2-After letting the fear speak, ask if it’s true. Fear tends to play out the worst case scenario in order to emphasis its power, but rarely does it offer factual advice. What evidence does it have to prove it’s valid? Where in your history have you died, been desolate, isolated or completely alone forever? When has it not worked out and ruined you for eternity?

If you felt pain, did it decrease? If you lost resources, did you regain them? If you were embarrassed, did you recover? If you were hungry, did you eat again? If you felt alone, did you stay alone? Use your past as proof to show you your previous difficulties were temporary and didn’t ruin you the way you feared. 

3-Take the fear out. If you could take the next step and there was nothing to fear, nothing could possibly go wrong, what would you do?

This question bypasses the fear temporarily to access the heart (intuition) to make a decision that on a deeper level you already know the answer to. This allows the quieter voices of our knowing to be heard and offer clarity while the louder voices step aside. 

Once heard, they will be challenged again by fear. This is normal. Write down the “what if’s” fear presents then write down the opposite “what if.” For example, “what if I end up alone?” versus “what if I have stronger and more authentic connections than I’ve ever had before?”

Or “what if I become broke and have nothing?” versus “what if I have everything I need when I need it most?”

Fear feels heavy and daunting, while truth feels light and free. You don’t have to believe it at first, but the more you practice, the more it will assimilate to become your truth. 

4-Listen to your body. When making a decision, put your hand over your heart and ask the question at large. Then feel how your body responds to the yes or the no. Do your muscles tighten up? Do you cringe when you say one answer? Do you feel light and free with another? Your body has direct access to your intuition when you slow down to listen to it. It holds the answers to all your questions when you give it the chance to speak. 

5- When you listen to someone give their opinion about something, ask yourself how you feel about it. Does it feel true for you? Does it make nervous? Does it put you at ease? Does your body move toward the person or away from them? How do their words feel in your body? Use practices 1-4 to help tune in to what is yours and what is theirs so you can discern the difference. 

Is it really uncertainty we fear, or are we really scared of making the wrong choice and not being in control of the outcome? Are we afraid we can’t trust ourselves and must rely on others to tell us what we need and how to live our lives? 

Every night we go to sleep, we practice trust in the unknown that we will wake the next day and have another opportunity to play. We live with uncertainty and practice faith without even knowing it. It’s not uncertainty we can’t live with, it’s lack of trust we struggle with. 

Fear is not always the enemy, but it sure does ruin the party sometimes when it’s the loud, obnoxious voice telling you what to do and calling you names when you ignore it.

You do know the answer. It’s okay to not trust it sometimes and think twice. We are trained for this. Yet the more you practice connecting with the quieter voice of you, the more you’ll see you had the power all along. The certainty is you. 

Originally published on Mind Life Spirit.

What If There's Beauty on the Other Side of Your Pain?

“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.” ~Albert Einstein

“I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t want to be here. I can’t do this. It hurts too much. It’s too hard.”

I’m curious how many times I’ve heard these words over my lifetime. From different people, ages, genders, ethnicities, and walks of life. The words the same, the heaviness no different from one to the next. Hopelessness has a specific tone attached to it. Flat, low, and empty.

Being the child of a parent who committed suicide, there is a familiar inner fear that washes over me when I hear these words. A hyper alertness and tuning in, knowing it’s time to roll up my sleeves.

As a psychotherapist, there is a checklist that goes through my head to make sure I ask all of the right questions as I assess the level of pain they are experiencing.

As a human, a warm wave of compassion takes over as I feel around for what this particular soul needs.

After asking the typical safety questions and determining this person is not at significant risk of ending their life, I ask, “So what is the end goal here? What do you think happens after you die? Where will you go? How will you feel? What will feel different when you’re dead versus how you feel right now?”

The answers vary from “It will be dark and nothingness, no feeling, no existence” to “I’ll be in heaven and done with this,” but more often than not they say, “I don’t know.”

I sometimes question, “Well, if you don’t know how can you guarantee it will be better than this? What if it’s worse? What if you have to relive it all again? What if you are stuck in a dark abyss and can’t get out?”

More times than not they have not thought this through. They are not thinking about what is next, mostly because what they are really saying is “I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

I get that. We all have those moments.

Then I dig in further:

“How do you know your miracle is not around the corner? How do you know relief will not come tomorrow if you allow the opportunity for one more day? What would it be like to be curious about what’s next instead of assuming it will all be just as miserable?

Since you have not always felt like this, is it possible you may one day again feel joy and freedom?

If you look at your past, you’ll see you have had many fears and low moments. Did they stay the same or did they change? Most of your fears did not come to be, and if they did, you survived them—you made it through. You may have even learned something or strengthened your ability to be brave.

If you turn around, you can see there is a lifetime of proof that your world is always changing and shifting. You’ll see many moments when it may have felt like things were not going the direction you wanted, but you’ll likely see an equal number of moments that led you to exactly what you needed. Use those as evidence that your surprise joy may be just around the corner.”

During these conversations, my own curiosity resurfaces. I often ponder if my mother held out a little longer what her life would have looked like. I wonder if another medication would have helped her. Or if the words of an inspiring book may have offered her the hope to keep holding on. Or if the feeling of the sun on her face would have kissed her long enough for her to want a little bit more.

What if she held on to the curiosity of what was to come instead of deciding there were no surprises or joy left? Would she have felt the bittersweet moment of watching me graduate from high school? Would she have been there to cheer me on when I earned my master’s degree hoping to help people just like her? Would she have held my daughter, her first grandchild, and wept tears of joy knowing she made it?

Who knows what her life would have been like if she held on for one more day? I will never know, but I am curious.

I have sat with countless children and adults while they are deep in their pain. I ache for them, cry for them, and also feel hope for them. I wonder out loud what will happen next that we cannot see. 

I’ve seen pregnancies come when hope had left, new relationships be birthed when the people involved were sure they would never feel loved again, new jobs appear out of nowhere at just the “right” time. I’ve seen illnesses dissipate once people started paying attention to themselves, and moments of joy build in the hearts of those who were certain there was no light left.

The truth is, we don’t know what will happen next, but we know we have made it this far. How do we know tomorrow won’t be exactly what we’ve been waiting for?

I believe our baseline feeling as humans is peace. The loving calm that fills us when we are in the presence of those we adore. The kind of whole that we feel when we’ve done something we feel proud of and we reconnect to the love we are made of. The way we feel when we are giving love to others and the way we feel when that love is returned.

I also believe that the human experience is filled with struggle and hardship and challenge. I don’t think we are getting out of it. I believe we are equipped with the power to lean in to our pain to let it move through us. To use our experiences as our strength and our knowledge for the next wave of frustration.

I don’t believe we are supposed to suffer, but rather learn to thrive in the face of hardship and use hope as the steering wheel to guide us through… knowing even though the light may not be right in front of us, it’s just around the corner. 

And the more we employ this faith and our practices that support us, the quicker we are able to return to the peace that lies underneath.

In the moments of hardship, what would it be like to allow for curiosity? To not only acknowledge the feeling in front of us—and feel it—but to also allow for the possibility of what is to come.

All of our experiences come with the free will to choose how we will respond to them. With openness and wonder or dismissal and resistance. It’s also okay to feel it all at once. The feelings will pass. They always do.

The next time you feel stuck in a feeling, or what feels like a never-ending experience, consider thinking, I wonder what will come of this. I wonder what I will gain. I wonder what strengths I will develop and how I will support myself. I wonder what beauty lies on the other side of this pain. Don’t push through it but surrender into it.

Then allow for curiosity. Be open. You never know what surprises the day may bring. Maybe today is the day it all changes. Or maybe tomorrow. You may not know the day, but you can be ready and open for when it arrives.

Original post published on Tiny Buddha.

How to Practice the Pause to Connect to Your Intuition and Live More Serendipitously

I was waiting for inspiration to hit this week to write and since it did not come, I was directed to my podcasts on how to live serendipitously. I was cracking up when I read the script to this one because it is exactly what I currently need. You may feel the same. This is part of the script to Practicing the Pause. It’s definitely worth the listen if you like podcasts. If not, the information and practice is right here. If you are one who quickly reacts emotionally (like me) this one is for you.

Today I’m going to be talking about how to practice the pause and manage impatience when life seems confusing and we feel like we don’t know what’s happening.  We are going to look at the root cause of the discomfort of waiting and how to not just make it more comfortable, but make the wait work for you.

You know those confusing moments where you feel like life is going downhill fast and you’re not sure what to do about it?  Those moments can be really, really tough.  

You’re going along making decisions that feel good and life is rolling smoothly and then suddenly you hit a road block.  One you don’t see coming or makes any sense as to why it would be there. And then you feel stuck and unsure of what to do next.  Sometimes, oftentimes, the best thing you can do is nothing. 

Practice the pause and wait for more information to present itself. And that can be terribly uncomfortable in itself.  Most of us, by nature, don’t like to wait. We aren’t taught to do it well.

Even the idea of waiting makes us squirm in our seat.  We live in a society that continues to make everything easier for us by giving it to us faster. But what is this doing to our ability to wait for just about anything? We stop living in the moment and appreciating the NOW in front of us.  And that’s what we are going to look at today….how to come back to the moment and make it work for you, so you can practice the pause a little easier.

So life hits some challenging moments and we don’t get it sometimes.  Actually, its super annoying. Even when you know and believe things will work out…and I truly believe this….that does not necessarily take away from the discomfort while waiting for things to work out!

Let’s look at why waiting is so important at times.  When unexpected life events and experiences pop up, and they always do, our go to is to quick fix any discomfort out of it. We want to abolish the fear and pain and dismantle any threat of our safety. I mean why wouldn’t we….feeling the pain kinda sucks.

So we try to quickly problem solve our way out of the pain.  We look for our go to’s and distractions to make it go away. We do internet searches looking for answers, we ask friends for advice, we get angry at the people in our life we think are causing our pain or we swear at the universe for setting us up without any clear escape route to fast forward out of whatever we are experiencing.

Most of us just don’t like it. We don’t like the confusion and the discomfort and pain that comes with it. I don’t either. In fact, it irritates me like crazy….right up until I remember the techniques that help take the edge off…practice the pause…wait for more information. It always comes.  

Not always when you want it, but always when you need it.

I’m going to be totally honest with you here. This is a practice I’m continually challenged by. My mind thinks at a high speed and sorts through information quickly when I’m working with other people so I assume and expect I should be able to do this alllll the time for myself. But I can’t. I’m not supposed to. And neither are you.

You aren’t supposed to always have the answers right away.  Its almost like you are given blinders sometimes so you can’t see the next steps so you don’t get stuck on one target. Meaning-if you are put all your energy into one direction, you may not see a direction that is better suited for you and your needs.  When you can’t see it, you may be more open to the options that present themselves…and that is a practice in itself!

You also can’t see the full picture at times because there are other steps for you to learn before you hit your destination that will only make its arrival that much better and more rewarding when you get there.

And you’ve seen this in your own life. You’ve had lots of experiences where if one event didn’t occur before the other, it wouldn’t have worked. There’s a true flow to this waiting period that is meant to benefit you so you ultimately get what you need.  You may not always see it in the wait, but you can appreciate it when you arrive.

So if we can agree that when you don’t have the answers, waiting for more information is an effective way to respond, we can also agree that sometimes waiting really sucks.

I’m assuming here that you don’t like the wait but I’m not assuming that I don’t.  I rarely say, oh wow, I feel stuck and in pain and I’m so happy I don’t have the answers to move through this comfortably. 

Ummm..no. I’m just as impatient as anyone else, which is why these practices are ones I rely on to not drive myself nuts.

In fact, while preparing for this podcast, the ideas were not flowing together and I was so frustrated because I could see all the pieces in my head that wanted to come out, but they weren’t supposed to until I practiced the techniques and concepts I share with you….so I would be clear about what was being shared.

Those ideas did not meet my self imposed deadlines and they did care that I was annoyed and ready to move on. They were not going to come to my awareness and click until it was just the right time. 

And like you I want what I want when I want it.  But me wanting is not enough…I have to be ready to receive it.

And so I practice…and these are the practices I know help.

First of all, the key is to allow the information to come to you and to be open to receive it. The quickest way to be open to receiving is to clear your energy and your internal clutter to make room for the information coming in.

Seems like it should be easy right? Except when we take on the anxiety of the impatience when we feel we need it sooner than its ready to come. 

You know what doesn’t help? Stress from impatience. Anxiety. Over questioning. Over analyzing. Looking at the problem with the same lens moment after moment expecting a different view.  This kind of behavior can be clogging and slow down our vibration. And when we slow down our energy with worry and frustration, we are not in a great position to hear or notice what we are being given.

So how do we clear our energy and be ready to receive?  Go back to the basics!! Do what brings you joy.

The root cause of the discomfort is actually quite simple. We are not living in the moment…and in turn, not enjoying the moment. 

If you think about an average day where you have to wait, we work pretty hard at avoiding the discomfort of waiting.

Think about a typical waiting area and how it is set up.  Often books or magazines are out for you to enjoy the time you are sitting. Or a television is on that can keep you distracted. If you like the article you are reading or the program you are watching, the wait seems easy…effortless. If you don’t like what you are doing then the wait seems hard and painful. Or you go into a restaurant and the host staff tells you it’s a 30 minute wait.  Most likely, you’re initial reaction will be- ugh- I don’t want to wait…..I’m starving, I don’t want to be here forever, my time is so valuable and waiting is not…etc. etc…

But if you like the company you are with and there is a place to be with that company, whether a comfortable seat or at the bar with a drink in your hand, you don’t mind waiting at all. You can get caught up in discussion or enjoy the time together that might be rushed while sitting at the table preparing to order. The time seems to fly by and the moments seems few because you are lost in them with contentment. 

And that’s the point- your perception of the moment is going to impact how you manage the wait.  When you like the moment and what you are doing, it will be easy and fun. How you perceive the moment is what will determine what makes it enjoyable or not….and just how long that wait really is.

When you do what brings you joy in a moment, you have stopped thinking about your problem and create room in your mind for more information and ideas to come in.

So the practice of doing things that bring you joy has an extraordinary amount of power to help you not just improve your health, and emotional wellbeing, it allows you to reconnect to your self and the guidance you’re waiting for.

I think its often true that the answers typically come when we are not looking for them, so we might as well enjoy the ride while we wait.

This is why we have so many experiences that seem to build on each other….because they are. When you slow down enough to notice them and observe how one opportunity leads to another and you learn something new each time, you begin to see the proof that pausing to receive the information and next steps is the most productive thing you can do.

If you don’t know which direction to go because you don’t have enough information, then wait. Allow yourself to be in the moment and let the next steps to come to you instead of chasing them.  

Use the space, the pause, to your advantage.  Make the moments work for you to decrease any discomfort in the waiting..and then enjoy the outcome when it finally works itself out. 

That of, course, is always the best part.

What is most challenging for you when waiting?

Tired of People Pleasing? Tips to Change It Up

“What do you want to do?” you question regularly.

“I’ll wait till everyone else has gone first.” you’ve said.

“Let me know what everyone decides and I’ll follow.” is your consistent response in the group text.

Do you have an opinion? Yes. Do you have a preference? Sometimes. But perhaps you’re so used to letting everyone else decide for you so you know they will be happy and you will suck it up like you always do.

After all, you are a master sucker upper. You could even list it as a skill on your resume.

Ahhh the life of a “people pleaser.” I know it well. As a recovering “people pleaser” I’m well versed in the signs and symptoms when I see them.

The truth is, you do have an opinion and you don’t always want to say yes when people ask you to help them out. You also don’t want go to the places that “everyone” says are a must, but you feel compelled to follow the pack in that oh so small FOMO….Fear of Missing Out…or worse…FOR…Fear of Rejection (yes, I just made it up).

But it’s true. You know it. All the people pleasers know it.

And since you say yes oh so often, you also feel that familiar pang of ongoing resentment. The one that you feel when you say yes, just to make someone else happy. You know that “yes” that you regret only moments later and resent them for even asking. Because really, don’t they know you don’t want to despite the fact that you always say yes??

Ummm…no. No they do not.

They do not because you haven’t told them. They do not because they are trusting that you will be open and honest with them regarding how you really feel. They do not because you’ve been hiding your true feelings in hopes that they will like you and accept you and think you are wonderful. And you are! You are wonderful! Even if you said no…

So how do you stop the madness? And the accompanying resentment…which is mostly towards yourself for not speaking up.

By practicing saying how you really feel. By checking in with yourself before you answer and asking if you are saying yes that you really want to. By trusting that you are worthy and good enough that people like you for who you are and not what you can offer them. By accepting that even if someone is disappointed in your decision and ability to take care of yourself, that it is not going to ruin you and leave you loveless. 

On the contrary, the more you speak how you feel, the more people will trust and respect you.

The more you share your true feelings in a respectful way, the more people will be drawn to your honesty and value what you bring to the table. They will know what to expect from you and that creates a safety people like. And the more you allow others to see the real you, the more likeable you will be. You don’t have to win anyone over to be good enough. You already are.  Keep Reading...

Using Writing to Work Through Your Fears

There is a real push to encourage each other to think positively.

Flipping our situations and circumstances to make them work to our advantage…and that is very good advice. Personally, I do this often to reduce my own stress level and it’s what I emphasize in my work with others. Reframing challenges into opportunities for amazing growth feels awesome. However, retraining ourselves to think positively after habitually focusing on the obstacles and excuses in our way rarely comes easily.

There is a conscious practice that comes with it to strengthen our abilities to create a new habit of thinking that has us living our lives filled with freedom and awesomeness.

Most of what we struggle with comes from our fears. Fear of the unknown stemming from fears of rejection, abandonment, pain, failure, dependence, loss…and the list goes on. In order to face these fears it’s to our advantage to look at them, feel them, understand them and work with them to move through them.

Because we have so many thoughts going throughout the day, it can be hard to keep track of what it is we are really afraid of when the sinking feeling hits that stops us dead in our tracks.

An extremely helpful technique to work with our fears is to write them down.

It doesn’t matter if you write them in a journal, on the computer, in your phone, on a napkin, or the back of piece of junk mail and then burn them…the key is to get the thoughts out of your head.

You can list them situationally or in general. Write your fears and where they come from. You can rank them in priority status or by which ones are strongest. It doesn’t actually matter as long as you get them out.

After you write them out, question them further.

Is there a solution? Can you problem solve? If not, what would it be like to let it go and release the need for control? What would it feel like to trust that it will resolve itself?

Write out the worst case scenarios.

How will they change your life? Will you still have your family? Your friends? Your dignity? What could you possibly lose that you can’t gain back?

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