Q&A My Perspective: When You Don’t Agree With Your Child’s Teacher and Their Practices

QUESTION

How do you support your child’s teacher when you don’t agree with their behavior management practices?

MY PERSPECTIVE

When we pass off our children to complete strangers in the beginning of the school year with the expectation that they will adhere to our parenting beliefs and practices in addition to educating our children in brilliantly entertaining ways that will keep them engaged for 35 hours a week, we set ourselves up for disappointment.  That’s why I personally keep my expectations very low so I can be pleasantly surprised when all is going well. (transparent sarcasm is beautiful, isn’t it?)

Here’s the reality. We come into contact with people every day whose practices do not align with our own.  Often times, some our friends and family do not parent their own children the way that we do or want to. We then have options on how we want to handle it.  We can remove ourselves from their lives because we don’t agree with them and are uncomfortable with their practices. Or we can continue to spend time with them, and then talk behind their backs about how we would NEVER parent the way they do. Or we can continue to spend time with them, accept our differences and stay firm in our beliefs and model what practices work for us.

When it comes to our children’s teachers, our options are virtually the same.  We can ask to have them removed from the class and try someone new. We can have them continue in the class and build up our resentment towards the teacher and their perceived inferior practices and potentially have our judgment seep into our child’s head who in turn rejects the teacher’s practices as well and becomes non responsive or disruptive. Or we can keep them in the class so they learn how to adapt to different methods of practice, while firmly modeling what we feel works best at home.

If you opt to keep them in the class and choose not to build up resentment, it will be imperative to communicate your concerns with the teacher and explain how you manage behavior at home and why it works for you.  You are then offering the support you mentioned and ideally educating them on alternatives that they may not have thought of or tried.

If they choose not to accept your suggestions, then you and your child are learning an excellent (and hard) lesson in adaptation and acceptance.  And that’s a good thing because the more opportunities we learn to adapt and accept what is happening beyond our control, the easier it becomes for the inevitable next time.

On a personal note, I learned an invaluable lesson as a parent one year when my daughter’s teacher had a style that was quite the opposite of my own.  She did not engage with me the way I had hoped and I was unimpressed with her demeanor.  At the end of the year, my daughter cried on the last day of school because she loved her teacher so much and didn’t want to move on to anyone else.  I then learned that just because the teacher’s style was not for me, didn’t mean it wasn’t good for my daughter.  Her style worked just fine in engaging my child and promoting a love of learning, which is exactly what I wanted for her.  She met my expectations without being what I wanted her to be.

Either that, or I’m not always the best judge of what my child needs.  Nah…;)

Q&A My Perspective: How Old is too Old to Believe in Santa Claus?

QUESTION:

How old is too old to believe in Santa? (Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, Etc.) Do we tell them the truth before they hear it from other kids? My daughter is in 5th grade and still believes.

MY PERSPECTIVE:

Honestly, I still believe in Santa. In my mind, Santa is truly the Spirit of Fun and Giving at Christmastime.  In fact, once I had children, Christmas seemed even more exciting to me when they began to understand and believe in the story of Santa Claus. I mean the belief that this person generously gives to others expecting nothing in return except the hope that we will choose good behaviors…brilliant!

I want my children to believe in the Spirit of Giving and Fun, so is there ever a specific time to call it a belief and not an actual living, breathing person? I don’t think so.

I believe that is a personal decision for all parents that is determined by when it feels right for them and their situation. The reality is they will find out, at some point, so how do you want to structure your response for when they do, whether you are the one telling them or not?

Now is the time to determine what you want them to walk away understanding, including an explanation of why the “secret” of Santa’s (or the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, etc) non physical identity is kept in the spirit of fun…just like planning a surprise party.  The intent of the secret is meant to keep things interesting and exciting, not as a dishonesty where someone can get hurt.

Until then, enjoy living in the moments of their wonder and fun and embrace the truth that they won’t be little forever…why not hold on for as long as we can and enjoy the cookies and milk while they last?

I Vote, Therefore I Rhyme

Brought my little man with me to vote,

We stood in line for a few heartbeats,

Waiting for my thoughts to be heard,

And wondering who would take the seat,

To look out for us,

To do what’s “right.”

To keep us protected,

And be firm in their plight,

Of making tough choices,

That are best for most,

And intuitively knowing,

When to slow down or coast.

I want to believe in my country’s laws,

I want to believe that corruption is small,

I want to believe my taxes are well spent,

But my faith it seems, often hits a wall.

So I will continue to focus on what I CAN do.

Treat others with respect while following my heart,

Teach my children strong values,

Of always doing our part,

In building strong communities,

And being kind to those whom our dislike is great.

For they are still a part of our world,

And kindness has way more power than hate.

Thank you great country, for letting us be heard,

No matter how quiet or loud our voice,

We are united in our love of freedom,

And how we use it, that’s still our choice.

Teaching Kids How to Fill the Void

When I am counseling kids, there a few themes that always come up consistently…anxiety, depression, and some form of addiction. Symptoms of anxiety and depression come out in their typical formats, but addictions come out in a variety of ways. I tend to refer to them as “void fillers.”  The “void” being the emotional hole that exists that prohibits us from feeling fully whole and content.

I believe that each time we experience intense pain (and levels of intensity are relative to each person), it burns a hole in our emotional self, which is part of our ego.  The ego is our downfall for most things, but that’s a discussion for another day.  Because we rely heavily on how we are feeling at any given moment, we strive to feel “good” as often as possible and avoid feeling “bad” at all costs. And because we typically rely on our ego to determine how we are feeling, the larger we feel the hole is, the more we believe the bad feelings get stuck.

How we choose to fill those voids will determine how long our satisfaction will last and the impact of our well-being.  But how do we know which void fillers work for us? Most of use trial and error tactics to determine what works and what doesn’t work. The hard part is when you think something is working because you feel good, but the satisfaction is short lived and damaging.

The goal is to find something that feels good consistently AND benefits you.

Common void fillers that are damaging would include: any illicit drug use, excessive alcohol consumption, over use of various pain medications, bulimia, anorexia, gambling, promiscuity, cutting or self injury, and excessive spending/shopping. The list could go on and on. The feeling of content when engaging in these activities is real (at least chemically so), but short lived, with no lasting positive impact, and more often, damaging short and long term impacts.

Common void fillers that are beneficial would include: exercise, playing sports, artistic and creative hobbies, reading, practicing religion and volunteer work. The feeling of content gained is also real, but has lasting positive impacts on the mind and body. This list could go on and on as well if you personalize it to your own interests.

Because we are our child’s primary and most influential educators, it’s important to help them understand what the void is, how it feels and why its there.  Tap into your own void to answer this question and define what it is for you. How do you fill your void and how well does it work for you?

Once they have a basic understanding of the void, you can teach them examples of ways that people fill their voids. Make sure they understand that there are two categories and teach them the damaging fillers as well as the positive. Shielding them from reality is not always the best way to protect them.  By educating them you give them an armor like no other.

Does that mean that if you educate them early on that they won’t experiment with negative void filling behaviors later on? I wish.  But in reality, experimentation to learn for themselves is a developmental norm. The hope is that if they do choose to experiment with the negative void fillers, they will have an understanding of and even more experience with positive void filling behaviors to fall back on and ideally, stick with.

Parenting is fun, isn’t it?

I jest, but truthfully, you can have great fun in teaching your children the benefits of void filling in positive ways, learn a few new ones along the way…and maybe rename it to Joy Filling behaviors. Ahhh, much better.

I Am Rubber and You’re Glue….

I had the best talk with my 9 year old daughter the other night. I mean, really, great stuff.

She was having a friend issue and upset with how she was being treated. So we talked about the fact that she was imperfect and that she was going to do and say things out of impatience that frustrate people at times (a trait she inherited from her father) and in turn not everyone will always want to be around her (okay fine, from me too).  But more importantly, I wanted her to understand that no one has the power to make us feel bad unless we own what they say.

For example, if someone tells me I’m smelly, I may step back and question my cleanliness? Did I shower today? Am I using deodorant? If I smell nothing unusual and unpleasant, I may decide, no, I am not smelly. I reject the statement and it is not mine to own.

However, if I sense that maybe I do smell and I never noticed it before and really, I must smell because why else would someone say it if it wasn’t true, then I would own the comment, regardless of whether it was factual or not. It becomes real and mine and potentially very upsetting. I mean clearly, no one wants to think they are the smelly one.

I am only the smelly one if I believe I am.  Even if in reality, I know I smell good (which is actually true by the way) I may question myself if someone calls me out.  The question I may ask is “why are they calling me out?” or “what am doing to have someone respond to me in this way?” and if it’s an effort to hurt me, I get to make that decision if it happens or not.

If someone doesn’t want to be around me because they think I’m smelly, I don’t have any control over that. I also don’t have any control over their words or feelings or who else they tell. But I do have control over how I respond to their perception, their words and how or if I ingest them.  If I reject them, they are not mine.

And then she reminded me of the quote “I’m rubber and you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”

Seriously, though, I was on a roll. It was awesome. And just as I thought she was going to tell me that my words of wisdom were just what she needed, she said “You should really record this Mommy. It would make a good CD to put kids to sleep.”

Hmmm….I choose to take that as a compliment.

I Am Imperfect

I am Imperfect.

I talk way too much,

And often too fast.

I’m sure others wonder sometimes,

How long will it last?

I yell at my kids.

I have laundry all over the place,

I’m a half decent cook,

But my baking, a disgrace.

I lose interest in things,

That don’t keep my attention.

And with my ADD as bad as it is,

It’s not even worth mentioning,

If you have a new haircut,

Or a book that you like,

I won’t even notice,

If you drove up the road in a car or a bike. (not exaggerating)

But my heart is filled with desire,

To find the good in the bad.

I can see the light in the darkness,

Even if it’s only a tad.

I won’t tell you how to fix your world,

But I’ll show what you need to see,

And when I think you’re good to go,

I’ll retreat behind the trees.

I am weak at times,

But I am in love with life.

I believe our strength is the most treasured gift,

From wisdom found in our strife.

I am Imperfect.

And so very happy to be.

Because if I had it all together.

No one would want to hang out with me.

We are Never Alone: Teaching Kids How to Connect

When I was in high school I was asked to participate in a few therapeutic groups.  My answer was always the same…”Not a chance.” In my mind I was not like “those” kids and I didn’t need it. Now as a counselor who runs groups, I realize just how valuable they are, in school, out of school and in life.

To see how one common concern or feeling can connect others so quickly, so intensely and so easily is rewarding to know that for those moments of the day, connections are made, comfort is felt and learning different ways to respond are being taught, not by me, but by the real life experiences and views of others.

I would estimate that one of the feelings that bring us down the most at times of distress is the sense of being alone.  Feeling like no one understands us and what we are going through and like we are walking in the dark with no knowledge of what’s in front of us, struggling to find faith that we will figure it out…on our own.

When we discover people who have similar views, relationships and an understanding of our experiences, we are drawn to them and often times, friendships are born.  To have others to relate to and listen to the thoughts we didn’t think anyone could understand is comforting and empowering and essential for many of us.  To be connected and feel connected is a gift.  As is the knowledge and understanding that at the end of the day, we are all walking this road of life together.

Group therapy is not new and it’s typically not that formal.  Women form their groups undercover by names like Book Club, Jewelry Parties and Girls Night Out.  Men watch sporting events, climb mountains, work on motors together (I am shamelessly gender stereotyping right now, but you get the point) and find through their focus on interests they can share in their commonalities.  We learn so much about each other as we watch how others interact, listen to their viewpoints and figure out where we fit in.

In whatever groups we become a part of, the premise remains the same, the more we share, the more we trust each other, the more we learn and the less we feel alone.  But more importantly, the more we allow ourselves to get to know others, to experience how similar we are, the less likely we are to judge and more likely to acknowledge acceptance of others- flaws and all.

When it comes to our children, we can create the same group dynamic for them.  Whether we are coaching a team, driving them in a car pool, or have a group of kids over to hang out, we can encourage the sharing and understanding of each other and help them focus on the many commonalities they have. We can easily become the group facilitator by asking a few thought provoking questions, and even some not so thought provoking questions.

Here’s how:

• Talk about something they all know, a T.V. show, a game they like, or tell them a funny story to get them laughing and comfortable.  The key is to help them let their guard down while talking about things that are safe and easy.
• Once you sense that they are comfortable, ask them questions about their relationships with their siblings (a typical commonality amongst kids), or what their favorite vacation is, what subject they like in school the most or which one they find the hardest.  Ask them what games they like to play or who their first crush was.  The key is to get them talking about things they can relate to with each other, so they can focus on their similarities, but also to learn from each other that they have differences that are okay and make them unique.
• The more comfortable they become, ask more opinionated questions so they can safely express themselves, while being open to listening to the thoughts of their peers.
• Share your own thoughts and stories with them, with a focus on your own interests and life lessons you’ve learned by making mistakes and fixing them, or by the rewards you earned of doing things well the first time.  The more you share, they more comfortable they will feel talking to you and trusting you and in turn, the group (aka- their friends)

The goal is a quick lesson in teaching our children that we are all fundamentally the same on many levels if we are willing to take the time to peel the layers and allow ourselves to be who we are.  The more we feel connected to others, the more we are willing to trust, the less alone we feel in our times of discouragement and the more content we will feel overall when we focus on the acceptance of our differences.

Pretty cool lesson, huh?

The Porch of Thanks and Rainbows and God

My kids have been driving me nuts lately.  Truly nuts.  I’m tired of telling them to pick up their clothes, to clean their rooms, to find something better to do than argue with each other.  I’m tired of yelling. Of questioning why they only seem to hear my voice when it becomes 12 decibels higher and the red seeps into my eyes. It’s so incredibly annoying.

I needed to change my attitude or I needed them to change theirs.

My daughter slept at a friend’s house last night, so my son and I decided to seize the alone time and sit on the porch, drink hot chocolate together and enjoy the cold, rainy fall morning.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, but my son is seriously the happiest boy who ever lived.  He smiles continuously, laughs often, has a beautiful, sarcastic humor that makes his parents proud and cringe at the same time and is just darn cute.  But he’s also tough to manage because he doesn’t follow direction well, makes light of everything and has more energy than we know what to do with.

But this morning, he was my typical, happy boy, loving his time with his mama, his hot chocolate and our conversation.  I was soaking in his energy, his laughter, his love of life and the simplicity of the moment.  I could have basked in his glow forever.  So I decided I would.

I asked him to think of three things he was thankful for. He quickly rattled them off and then had to add in a couple of extras.

“P.S.  Thank you for the cat.”

“Oh and P.S. again, sometimes the cat poops a lot.”

That is not the beautiful, sarcastic humor I was referring to. That was my average 6 year old. I do know the difference.

But it was so simple and it felt good to call out what we were thankful for. Why didn’t we do it more? We decided from that  point on, our porch would be deemed the place where we acknowledged our gratitude.  The new rule was that every time anyone sits on the porch, they  must come up with three or more things they are thankful for.  Easy, right? And much needed.

We all need a place to regroup, a place to focus on the good. We zone in on the negative so easily and what we want to change, but the good needs a home and a voice to be shared.  A place to let go of what we don’t have and focus on what we do have.  Why not designate a space to make it a necessity, to make it a rule, to make it a habit. Today, my porch became this space.

We needed a name, so we brainstormed and laughed and he snarfed on my face (that’s stuff blowing out your nose while laughing) and I had to pretend that I was not completely grossed out because I was.  And then he kicked over and broke one of my favorite cups that I purposely didn’t give him to use and I had to resist my frustrated urge to call “game over” and head back inside.  But I wasn’t ready to give up the moment.  The cup could be replaced, the moment could not.

We finally compromised on the name by combining his ideas and mine.  The official name of the new location of calling out our joy- The Porch of Thanks and Rainbows and God, born Oct. 14, 2012.

Moment saved forever.

Where do you share your gratitude?

The Value of Team Parenting

This past week my husband and I celebrated 12 years of marriage, the appreciation of our new home and our renewed life as a family no longer living in chaos.  I felt compelled to re-post my perspective on the importance of team parenting and why I dig my Jester.

Sometimes I underestimate my husband.  Okay, I often underestimate my husband.  We have been married for 12 years and “together” for 19 and I wonder sometimes if I will ever appreciate him for who is. I think he wonders this too.

So when I was pondering out loud about needing a little inspiration to write something, I didn’t really expect him to give me a response that would be meaningful. Actually, his first response was “how about women who self tan all winter and how it looks weird.”  Yeah, thanks, that’s a great parenting topic. But then he said “or about how great husbands are?”  I probably rolled my eyes because according to him that is my immediate communication response, but then I thought, Perfect!!

My husband and I are very different.  I love talking to people and am a magnet for anyone with a need to talk about their latest problem.  He loves talking to the TV on football Sundays and considers his fantasy team to be his closest and most reliable peeps.  I like to workout at the gym. He likes to workout at home.  I am the Queen of small talk.  He is the Jester in the crowd.  I am scattered and a bit flighty and he is structured and organized.  My ADD and his OCD have had to come to terms with each other, although they still call each other out time and again.  Yet when it comes to parenting, we couldn’t be more in synch.

We have all been told that structure and consistency are important parenting goals to strive towards to establish expectations and for our children to feel safe and secure.   So when one parent is inconsistent and works against the other parent’s rules, our children don’t know what to expect and either follow the rule they prefer, or follow the lead of the parent who is present and change it up for the other parent when necessary.  So what gets accomplished? The children learn to either work the system or they learn to work against the system.  Either way, they are on their own.

When we are on the same page as our partner, our children know what to expect.  They know what we will tolerate and what we won’t. They know that when you say you must do your homework before you go on the computer and then turn your back, your partner will turn the computer off before they have a chance to argue.  Majority rules and you and your partner are always the majority.

In our house, if I have a headache, my husband ensures the kids are quiet.  This teaches my children to respect and care for others and that partners look out for each other.  I also often give my children directives and then forget them 5 minutes later by my own distractions, until I hear my husband say “I heard your mother tell you to brush your teeth.”  Thank goodness someone is paying attention to me and that my husband is reinforcing this. He is supporting me and validating that what I say needs to be adhered to and respected. We are a united front. And nothing, no nothing, makes me love him more than when I hear him say, “don’t talk to your mother in that tone.” My Jester in shining armor protecting me from the harsh tones of the villagers.

I tend to be very opinionated (shocking!) in my parenting views and we often discuss how we want to handle situations with the children.  And thankfully we agree on most of the resolutions.  We are big on trial and error parenting and trying new tactics when old ones are worn.  We support our children’s passions together and talk to them in our own style when they experience their woes.  This is when our differences compliment each other the most.  Our children have parents with two very different personalities, offering two very different perspectives with one message of uncompromising love.

So will I continue to underestimate my husband? Probably. But I will never under-appreciate the role he plays as my partner when parenting our children or the admiration I have for him as their father.  After all, everybody loves the Jester.

Q&A My Perspective: When To Get Involved in Our Children’s Friendships

QUESTION

When is it appropriate to get involved in the happenings of our child’s friendships?  Particularly in the case of unhealthy behaviors, such as bullying? I want to protect my child from being a victim, but also don’t want to destroy her trust in me by “butting in” and controlling the situation or the outcome of the friendship.

MY PERSPECTIVE

It is my belief that it is a parent’s job to keep their children safe, to help them stay healthy, and to love them to the best of their ability.  This encompasses a lot of different areas of their lives and helping them understand and strengthen friendship is an essential part of maintaining mental and emotional health.  But an excellent question to ask is when and how much do we get involved.

I feel we should let our children choose their friendships of who they are drawn to and who they want to be around.  By definition alone, friendship is meant to enhance our lives and offer us experiences of unity, compassion, and shared joy.   Friendships teach us the importance of balance in give and take and there will always be times, like in any relationship, that the balance is thrown off.

A healthy friendship should be able to obtain that balance once again with relative ease and a moderate amount of effort.  It is when the friendship/relationship stays unbalanced and takes from us more than it gives, that a more significant change needs to take place.  As adults, we have learned this over the years by experiencing it with many different relationships, both good and bad, with each having equal weight of importance. I feel it’s valuable to allow our children to feel these ups and downs so they can experience what works for them and what doesn’t. Yet, it’s equally important to teach our children the definition of friendship and give and take, so they begin to understand the normal highs and lows of friendship, and how it takes both people to make the relationship work well.  However, when the imbalance becomes too great, there are critical times when we should intervene.

One of those times is when we see a significant negative impact on our child’s well being, as in the case of being bullied. If we see or hear of our child being put down repeatedly or harmed in any way, we tend to personally feel the anxious energy it creates and it often infuriates us as we become the Supreme Protector of our child. Naturally, we want to guard our child from the hurt of emotional and physical predators. The instinct is to remove them from the situation or not allow them to be exposed to it any more. In reality, we don’t have as much power as we’d like. So the question begs, what should we do that we have control over?

*First and foremost, keep the communication open with your child.  Sometimes they will tell you, sometimes they won’t. Sometimes they will tell you through their actions more so than their words , so be aware of any changes in lost interest in places and people they enjoyed before.

*If they are able and willing to verbalize, get as much information as you can so you can help walk them through it. Ask lots of questions on the situations they are in when the negative treatment occurs, who they are with, and why their friend may be responding this way.

*Teach them how to respond.  Literally, feed them the words to use to make the situation better. Help them determine the options of what to do when the behavior starts.  The more they know what to expect and how to handle it, the more likely they are to have the confidence to respond and defend themselves—which will only increase their self- esteem and ability to handle these situations as they arise again.

*If they are using the words and actions and nothing is changing, contact someone to intervene.  If it’s happening in school or on the bus, call the administrator or counselor. If it’s happening at an extra- curricular activity, let the advisor or coach know.   It is important that someone is speaking to the other child, because they too need to be taught which behaviors are acceptable and which aren’t.  Often times, the person hurting someone else is hurting themselves in some way and is trying to balance out their own internal power struggles, so need to be guided on how to deal with that and make better decisions on how to respond in social situations.  It is also suggested that if possible and appropriate, allow and encourage your child to be part of that conversation informing the adult so they are learning how to use their voice in an environment where they feel safe and protected.

As far as the concern of losing your child’s trust if they don’t want you to be involved, you can always tell them it’s your responsibility to ensure that they are safe and healthy and this is the way you show them you love them. (Right now, it’s my excuse for everything for my children and they roll their eyes every time)  But as they get older and express that they don’t “want” your support, it’s even more important to give it in ways that are less intrusive and subtle, but still gives them the security of knowing  that you are available and ready to help when duty calls.