The Almighty Powerful Thought...and how to change it

My chatterbox mind was in full effect.  One thought racing to the next. Which thoughts would dominate was rarely in question.  They always come back to the “what ifs”, the “what’s nexts”, the “but how do you knows.”  They are the familiar trio which can overpower the calming thoughts swiftly and easily.  Most of the time, I don’t even know they’ve arrived until I start to feel my physical ease dwindle.

The morning walk I was on when I noticed them was no different than the day before.  Early morning sun, quiet and peaceful…until the thoughts nudged their way in. I was midway up a hill, pushing my body a little harder, when I heard another voice in my mind get louder, “Stop. We don’t want to do this right now. Let’s change this up and make it a gratitude walk. Focus on the good. Focus on now.”  Another voice chimed in, “Great idea. Let’s do it.” 

I instinctually looked up at the sky, beginning the chant of thanks.  I was grateful for the blue sky, the cool morning and bright glowing sun. I was thankful for the trees donning their green glory. I was thankful for my legs being strong enough to take me where I wanted to go and for the ability to even be out walking on such a lovely morning before my work day began.  I felt my mood instantly elevate, the chemistry in my brain shifting with my thoughts.  I kept going, listing small details, yet feeling a powerful sense of thanks for the beauty around me.  

I began to notice things I had not noticed before.  Details that had likely been the same for the past two years I’d been on this walk, but didn’t see.  I noticed how tall the trees were.  They looked down on me lovingly with their wisdom and whispered their secrets of balancing the seasons of change. They had been rained on, snowed on, pushed constantly by wind and lost their leaves every year, but yet they continue to grow. They had withstood extreme cold and heat, been damaged by storms, broke branches and lost limbs, while watching others be taken out to make room for new houses, yet they stood taller one year after the next.  They were strong and stable and made room for the new while the old fell away.  Looking at them, you would not know how they sustained the cycles, they looked as radiant as ever. 

As I marveled in the divine strength around me, I felt my eyes well up with tears of joy and appreciation.  The “what if’s” and “what’s nexts” were gone, replaced with the energy of gratitude and presence of my surroundings.  And all it took was a decision.  A change in thought. And follow through.

It didn’t take two months, or two days or even two hours to adjust my perspective. It took minutes. With a quick alteration in intention, the world around me seemed to change. But it didn’t. I changed. I didn’t want to feel uncomfortable. I didn’t want to spin in anxiety and I didn’t have to. I made a choice. 

We do have the power to change our thoughts. We do have the ability to craft a life we desire. We do have the potential to have what our heart is telling us is rightfully ours.  We just have to listen, accept and follow through.  And we won’t do it perfectly every time because we are human, and that is okay.  It is part of the enriching experience of being authentic and whole, but it’s our experience to create as we wish. Choice and creation is the strongest birthright we are gifted. What’s next is up to us.

The 30 Days of Me

A few weeks ago I came to realize that I have been in survival mode for the past couple of years.  Maybe not full blown survival mode, but always plotting and planning for what’s next and constantly assessing myself for my emotional and mental balance, as well as my financial security. This would be the result of my making one major life decision after another, which my father has pointed out, people just don’t do for a reason.

But I did and they have been the best decisions for me.  Not easy ones, but the best for my growth and long term well-being. I’m still learning from them, but I am finally at a place where my life has something that resembles structure and a bit more security. I have been craving this security so I wanted to acknowledge that it had arrived.  The only problem, I don’t know what it feels like to be settled for longer than a few days.  The thought of settling myself felt unfamiliar and disjointed, but important to try.

So I started to make lists of what I needed to feel more balanced.  Most of it requires organizing and my busy little brain struggles with that one, but I’m working on it.  I also noticed I was beginning to feel even more off balanced when I was trying to balance myself. I know, not cool. 

After a couple weeks went by I noticed I was beginning to feel a real energetic slump.  I listened to myself encourage my clients to reconnect and learn how to support themselves and it all sounded wonderful. I had done all of this before.  I hit an emotional wall one day last week and begged the Universe for support.  And then it was so obvious I was almost a little embarrassed…it was time to take care of me. I had been feeling disconnected and lost which meant it was time to regroup and reconnect.  After all, I am the one I spend the most time with, I might as well enjoy my company.

I questioned how I would support myself and decided to write them all down. The ideas flooded out of my head. Along with activities came introspective questions that were begging to be addressed.  I needed time to do this, but time feels so limited these days. Yet in order to make this work for me I know I needed to commit.

And so the 30 days of Me was born.  I have been doing at least one thing each day that supports, empowers and helps me reconnect to myself and will do so for 30 consecutive days to create this behavioral habit. In order to fully commit to this process and create this program for myself (and in turn you) I am posting my daily questions and some of the activities I am doing on Facebook.  If you are ready to reconnect to yourself (and you are!) follow along and commit to making it happen. Commit to you!! It’s been a week and I am enjoying this process so much! 

Start by creating a list of 30 things you can do to support yourself.  My list is quite diverse including journaling, buying an outfit that empowers me, looking up inspirational quotes, reading the books I’ve been neglecting, watching a movie when I have other things to do, buying myself flowers, exercising, drinking tea in complete silence, making a list of my achievements, updating my business and personal goals, receiving an energy healing, getting a massage, connecting with my children…so many! 

I notice that it is when I need more time for myself that I typically blow off my self- care practices, which is why this is all so important. Sound familiar?

My list of 30 things I can do to support myself is growing rapidly. And I am finding the more I do for myself, the more I enjoy myself even more.

Isn’t it time for you to enjoy yourself? Obvi.

Turning Grief Into Gratitude

As I come upon the one year anniversary of a life changing event for me, a time where I want to focus on celebrating my accomplishments, I instead find myself rounding up my grief.  

I don’t speak of it often because the event is still confusing for me and pangs of anger and sadness can rise up quicker than I can escort them out. It is a story of betrayal, of lies, of weakness and yet, an event that would cause me to dig deep to decide and follow through on how I would allow myself to be treated and what I truly deserved.

I was told I would no longer have my job, a job I once dreamt of having, a job I did well at, a job where I grew close friends who had supported me through some of the other major life changes I’d undergone…getting married, having my babies, deaths of loved ones and even the end of my marriage.  In so many ways I grew up there, it was my security, it was my home base, and then when I least expected it, it told me I was not welcome there anymore.

Let me be clear, I still had a job, but not at the place I had called my home.  I was not fired, I was told that I would have no choice but to take a different job if I still wanted employment.  For someone like me who needs to understand EVERYTHING, it made no sense at all.  I had not done anything wrong. I was good at what I did. I created opportunity to give as much as I could while I was there. Yet, I knew in my heart why it was happening.  I knew I didn’t belong there anymore, but it hurt tremendously.  

The feeling of intense heartache and anger was not foreign. It was not the first time I had been treated poorly in my life. And I knew I had to make a decision on if I would allow the pattern to continue or if I could muster the courage to change it.  I asked myself the same questions over and over again…what do you want, what would you do if you removed the fear, and what would you tell yourself if you were your own spouse? My answers came quickly, but it didn’t stop me from asking them…repeating “Are you sure? Are you really sure?” I was sure, but wow, it was scary.

I was quickly reminded it wasn’t just about me. I had children to think about, a mortgage, and no actual knowledge of what life outside my little bubble would look like. Prior to making my decision to leave a secure job completely, I didn’t even know what the hell I was going to do!

And so began my first step in my giant leap….huge leap….of Faith.  I knew myself well enough to know once I made up my mind there would be no turning back.  And there wasn’t.

I want to tell you that it was smooth sailing after that. I want to tell you there have been no obstacles. I want to tell you that the fear dissolves.  But the truth is, even being on the “right” path, there are still obstacles, there are storms like I’ve never seen, there are fears that follow me around like we have been besties for years and they still lie to me that they are keeping me safe. The learning curves for me are enormous.  And I become overwhelmed and frustrated and exhausted.  

Yet, when I think of what my life would have been like if I chose the other path, I can’t even fathom how I’d still be breathing. I would have survived, I would have made it work, but I wouldn’t be truly living….at least not comfortably in my skin. And not directly on the path to my own happiness.

 A year later, I AM living an authentic life.  One I’ve had great help designing and one that hasn’t even begun to exploit what I know I have yet to do. I am given amazing gifts nearly every day. Extraordinary highs I've never experienced and a sense of knowing I would have never believed existed. I have had spontaneous tears of joy that seem to come from nowhere and the sensation of my passion bubbling to the surface. I hear myself say thank you all day long...and I mean it from the depths of my soul.

I wish my accomplishments took the sadness out for me. I wish I didn’t still feel the heartache. But maybe that’s just the reminder, that I had a good life to walk away from.  And there really don’t need to be any regrets.  It was just time to move on to the next part of who I am.  

Acceptance…the last stage of grief.  I’m just a few tears away.

I was telling my son that I will be celebrating the date and he highlighted my bravery, stating that not everyone has the courage to do what I’ve done. I disagreed and still disagree. Everyone has the same amount of bravery to access, it’s whether we choose to use it or not.  

How do you want to live your life?  We are all asked the same question and we are all given opportunity to create exactly what we want.  And when the opportunity presents itself, and it always does… it’s our call what comes next.

Making A Big Decision When You're Not Sure Which Way is Right

Over the last two and a half years I have made some big changes in my life. And by big, I mean enormous.

First, I moved with my husband and our children from a home I loved for ten years. Shortly after, my husband and I ended a twenty-year relationship and marriage. With that separation, I made the decision to buy the house we had moved to, which on paper, I shouldn’t have been able to buy.

Apparently ending a long commitment and beginning a large financial one on my own wasn’t enough for me though. The following year I resigned from a secure job to pursue a dream I hadn’t fully envisioned and started a business without projected goals.

When I list out all the changes, I start to question my own sanity.

I have never been one to make quick decisions, especially ones that I hadn’t thought through. I was raised by my father, a self-proclaimed workaholic, who spent his career as a high powered executive for a high risk industrial insurance company.

I was not bred to believe in taking chances, to live on instinct alone, and to leave anything that resembled security. You just don’t do that. But something was stirring in me that kept me unsettled.

I knew it was time to make changes, and I knew those changes were absolutely not guaranteed to work in my favor. I was scared—no, terrified—to alter the course of my life, but standing still gave me even more anxiety.

How do you make the decision to change your entire life and know it’s truly right for you?

I have a secret, one that I’ve used consistently in recent years when making decisions that weighed heavily on me.

It’s a technique that simplifies the agonizing back and forths of “should I or shouldn’t I?” One I wished I learned when I was younger to ward off some major bouts of indecisiveness and internal torment. Although in retrospect, I would not have been ready to use it until I was actually ready to hear it....Keep Reading

The Growing Pains of Becoming My Authentic Self

I have been writing two or three paragraphs at a time for weeks on various topics and I couldn’t figure out why. I have so many things to share and ideas I know would be helpful, but I just can’t seem to get them out. And no matter how much inspiration I ask for, it’s just not coming.  Why? Because as of late, my world is small. I used to write about experiences I saw and learned from others and right now, most of my experiences on a daily basis are mine and mine alone.

I am in a healing phase of my life and have been for many months now.  I have been processing years worth of discomfort while trying to get my life in order. It has been a wonderful time of growth and a challenging time of allowing the emotions to come up and out.  I have had to look at my demons and question their purpose as well as hone in on my strengths to see what skills I want to sharpen.  Most days I am equally focused and driven as I am lost and confused. 

The other day I woke up with a determined purpose. I had unfinished business regarding the end of my marriage I had to attend to and I’d been dragging my feet. I had been getting the not so gentle internal nudges, but I can be a turtle when it comes to finalizing painful things.  This was one of them. 

I was feeling proud of myself mid morning for getting it done and then out of nowhere, the pangs of sadness started to jab at me. “No thank you,” I said to myself, “I’ve felt those already, we’ve been over this. Move on already.” I successfully pushed them down to move on to the next task. I had things to do.

It had been snowing all morning and I decided I would get some fresh air and exercise and begin to shovel my 700 foot driveway.  I had my music playing loud to drown out the thoughts and use my anxious energy for a purpose.  It was cold and my back was sore, but that discomfort was nothing compared to what I felt brewing underneath.  

After thirty minutes of shoveling, I realized there was a layer of ice below the snow that was going to make clearing off the rest of the hilly driveway difficult. I stared down the snowy path and questioned if it was safe to even drive on.  How will I get out? What am I going to do? How do I fix this? 

My immediate inclination was to call my ex-husband. The man who was once my practical fixer for all things I couldn’t figure out.  He’d walk me through it. I pondered how we would fix this problem together.  And then a tiny stop sign made its way in my head. “No, you can’t call him. It’s not his job to bail you out. You need to figure this out without him. That’s not your life anymore.” 

“Yes, but I could really use his help. He’ll know what to do.” I argued.

The stop sign grew larger and the voice bolder than before. “Stop! You know it’s time to accept the change. Accept it, Lynn. You’ve got to break this pattern.” 

“But he’s what I know. I can rely on him to fix this.” I wouldn’t back down. 

“Then go ahead and call him. Start the pattern again. You know how it goes.” I calmly replied.

The urges were so strong and I felt myself crumbling under the pressure. One warm tear rolled down my cheek, then another…and another. Little waves of emotions seeping out of me slowly.  I couldn’t stop them. They wouldn’t stop.

I sat on the steps of my garage in the house I bought alone and sobbed.  How did I get here? What am I doing? This is not the life I would have chosen. I felt completely defeated and alone. I prayed for help. I asked for support. I needed to pull it together.

I took enough deep breaths to call my best problem solving side kick…my sister from another mister.  As usual, she calmly took control and offered to fix my problem without even taking a breath.  Only your closest friends can decipher your needs through your sobs.

Seconds after I ended the call with her I heard the teenager I’d recently hired to plow my driveway come flying up it. I hadn’t asked him to come, he just did. Fifteen minutes later my driveway was cleared and additional help was on the way.  Problem solved. 

Once the tears stopped, I re-visited the harsh questions I asked earlier. 

How did I get here? I chose this path.

What am I doing? Following my internal direction that is stronger every day.

This is not the life I would I have chosen?? This is exactly the life I have chosen and I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I am exactly where I need to be and figuring it out as I go along. And forward I will go. 

As for feeling alone, I had help within thirty minutes of asking for it. That’s some seriously good service. I am never, ever alone. 

In my life as a counselor, a healer, a mentor, a mother, a friend, I find it easy to see the patterns in others. I can sense and solve a problem that is not my own in record time when needed. I can feel the pain in others and process it. I can also take the emotion out and see it for what it is. But when it comes to my own life, I am as human as it gets. 

Sometimes I learn from my mistakes quickly. Sometimes I have to repeat them numerous times in various ways to really, fully get the gist.  But always, I am learning and growing and living and teaching everything I pick up along the way.  I believe these are the growing pains of coming into my own authenticity.  I can only imagine it will get easier with more practice and continued dedication. 

And if it doesn’t, I will always have more to learn and learning is one of my favorite things!  For today, I am grateful for the opportunity to practice and to reframe and for the invaluable experience of learning how to heal myself. 

What Exactly is an Energy Healing and Who Needs One?

Years ago when I started dipping into the New Age world and energy therapy (which turns out, is not so new aged) I was very judgmental.  Although I was interested in learning new ways of thinking I also tended to believe anything other than what I already knew was hokey.  And by hokey, I mean I didn’t understand it and because of that, it made me uncomfortable.  I didn’t want to be one of “those” people who lived in what felt like an alternative reality and looked for answers outside of the mainstream way of life…you know, to suffer and push through frustrated and lost,  and become angry at myself for not being able to figure out why I couldn’t get balanced...mainstream.  I was too grounded in my personal reality to look outside of what I could touch and manipulate.  Yet, I was curious and enamored with those who spoke of living in faith and with ease. I really had no idea what those words meant either.  And the truth was, that hokey life kept following me around and had me questioning what it was all about.  So I asked.

And just as the faithful Genie of the Universe always provides us with wishes, the Genie also provides us with answers. Once I was willing to open my mind and release my judgment, my answers came pouring in.  Through various chance events, I was given one example and opportunity after another to learn and discover for myself what energy therapy was all about.  I started to learn through classes and practice and more classes and more practice and now, I know because I feel it and live it.  And from my learned perspective, I pass on my understanding to you.

It’s actually quite simple.  Our world is made of energy, as are we. Although our lives are pretty amazing in their makeup with our ability to transition, adapt and transform, we have many experiences which feel like they set us back along the way. 

For example, you are going along living your life, enjoying the moments that accompany you. Your river of life is flowing downstream at an easy pace and the little rocks and side brooks are interesting blips in your day, but you can typically easily wash over them or redirect yourself back to the main stream.  As your going along, experiences, like sadness from hearing bad news about a friend or family member, or getting lost on your way to someplace new and feeling nervous, anticipating an important meeting that feels like it can impact your career, getting in an argument with someone you love, worrying about your children and their safety, etc. are those little rocks and side streams. Most of us have decent defense mechanisms, skills and game plans to deal with the discomfort, but still, it slows down the flow of the river of life.  

Not only do we all experience the little rocks and side streams, but many of us bump into larger rocks and bigger streams which split our easy flow.  Choosing which direction to go is not always easy and sometimes we let our waters rest in a pool until we decide which way we want to move.  Life experiences like verbal abuse (both giving and receiving), consistent worrisome, depressive and hopeless thoughts and feelings of being stuck and not knowing which direction to go are all examples of these larger rocks, secondary streams and pools that really slow down our flow and our ability to move freely.  At times, our flow becomes so slow that it may even start to naturally create its own barriers and dams because we become so stagnant and unfiltered. 

This flow, our river of life, is our energy and its ability to move easily is essential in our everyday physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health.  When it becomes stuck we can experience feelings and symptoms of depression, anxiety, and anger.  Along with those emotional triggers come accompanying physical aches and pains and various ailments. If we don’t find ways to unblock our flow, we begin to stop living a life of comfort and ease and the quality of our lives diminish.

Of course, the goal is not to react when our flow becomes stuck, but to notice when it starts to slow down and we intuitively sense a need to change what we are doing or that we could use some help to get our feelings and emotions back into a comfortable balance. This is where energy therapy comes in.  Energy therapy, in whatever form it’s practiced, is meant to help open up the flow and get our groove back.

The healing modality I practice is Integrated Energy Therapy, using the vibration of angelic energy.  During a healing therapy session, I channel (allow the energy from the angels go through me to someone else) the energy flow to my client.  We then pull out old, stagnant energy that gets stuck or slowed in the energy field and integrate positive, empowerment energy back in to the energy field to get ourselves moving and kicking again.  I also read (sense and feel) the energy field for blocks and areas that need some attention and am very eager to tell my clients exactly what they may want to tweak to step out of the old thought and behavior patterns that have been created over time.  This is where my skills as a counselor come in to play the most because I have a great deal of experience and understanding in where these blocks come from (and probably too many suggestions on how to get through them).

We also tap into the soul star (our soul, higher self, inner world, etc) and re-energize the connection we have to ourselves. Once we clear the energy field, it’s so much easier to reconnect with ourselves and so very important!  It often gives us a clearer picture of who we are and why we are here living this life. 

(Click Here for a more in depth description of what Integrated Energy Therapy provides)

At the end of the session, the recipient feels relaxed, peaceful, clear headed and with an awareness that is either a reminder or a brand new way of looking at life and their patterns. Its then up to the client as to what they want to do with this information and awareness.  It’s actually quite awesome how good it feels to clear out our stuck energy and let the good stuff flow. So refreshing, invigorating and empowering!

Healing therapy sessions can be conducted in person or remotely over the phone and are typically an hour in length. The only thing you need to do is be ready to relax. That’s it. I actually love doing them remotely because then the client gets to be in their comfy clothes, in their own environment and without having to drive with a relaxed energy buzz afterwards! In truth, they don’t even have to be done over the phone, they can be done while we are doing other things, but there’s something to be said about taking the time to stop and relax and take care of ourselves while listening to someone tell us what is going on with us and our life, who sometimes haven’t even met us before! 

So who needs an energy healing? Anyone made up of energy! (Yes, even those you don't think are...)

There are many, many energy clearing/healing modalities out there. Many! So when you know it’s time to clear out the muck and get yourself flowing again, ask the Genie for some help and follow the direction it takes you. If you have more questions or would like more information, you can contact me at lynn@livingwithserendipity.com. Happy Healing!

The Goddess and The Cat Poop

One of my favorite parts of tapping into my spirituality and seeing the world in a different view is recognizing the ongoing symbolism around us. For an analytical brain like mine, it’s like Field Day in grammar school playing with the conversations and events of the day to understand the direction I’m going in.  So many options and angles to look at and wonder what their deeper meaning is…or question if I’m just looking too hard and the explanation is far more simple than I’m seeing.  Some days I’m the fastest kid in the race, others I’m the most skilled at maneuvering around the obstacles and many, many days, I simply forget to move off the starting line.

I am very fortunate to have a Spirit Sister in this road of my journey.  We could easily talk all day long of the amazing “coincidences” that seem to guide us daily.  What I love the most is how similar we both are in our awe and excitement of everything we learn.  Like children in candy stores, we marvel at sweet surprises and laugh when the candy we were just talking about shows up in our hand. We also take turns in our stages of distrust and confusion, thank God! When one of us goes down, the other is typically standing firm in her knowing that we are in fact, exactly where we need to be and it’s all part of the process of reaching our destination…whatever or wherever that is.

So last week, when we were both struggling with intense feelings of grief, loss and emotion overload, it was not nearly as much fun.  By the weekend, it was a slow climb up to ground level and we were in need of some healing work ourselves.  Since we both practice and love IET, we scheduled in a healing swap, one after the other.

I took the practitioner role in the first round and went right to my happy place of pulling out stagnant energy in her field that needed to go.  Goodbye negativity. You are not welcome here anymore.  By the end of her session I was seeing a huge, beautiful, multicolored butterfly in her soul and I gotta tell you, it was massive. Like I would have been borderline claustrophobic if it wasn’t so incredibly gorgeous.  And being that butterflies are a symbol of the cycle of life in the work that she does, as well as it being a time for her to spread her wings, there was no guessing as to why the big ass butterfly was there.

Then it was my turn! I was already relaxed from channeling the energy so this was like a double dose of awesomeness.  I asked for two things to happen during this healing (yes, you can make requests). First I asked for the intense full moon energy to amplify my healing session and next, I asked that my knee which felt like it was just crunched internally when I twisted it wrong and was throbbing, be healed.  By the way, I’m always skeptical, but it’s worth a shot.

I think we were unblocking any feelings and thoughts of distrust when there was a scratch at the door.  “Hmm...this never happens, I must let her in.” said my Spirit Sister.  And then I heard scratch, scratch, scratch. Uh oh.  The cat came in to use her litter box and left us with a very stinky gift. “Seriously?” I asked, what is the meaning behind this?”  I started laughing and couldn’t stop, neither one of us could.  It was so stinky and seemingly so purposeful! 

“Get the shit out?” We questioned.

“I’m full of shit?” 

“Time to clear out the old?”

“Are you shitting me?” 

So many possibilities.

Towards the middle of my session a Goddess came in and named herself to my Spirit Sister.  The Goddess named Freja.

I know nothing about Goddesses except that I strive to be one. We resolved to look her up afterwards.  A flock of doves came in as well. How fun!! 

As the session ended, I noticed that my knee no longer hurt. The pain vanished and there was no residual discomfort. One request met. If one laughs continuously from stinky cat poop while releasing their negative energy, does this count as an amplified healing? I vote yes. 

Then it was time to hit the books and the internet to find the deeper meaning from our visitors.   I began to read about Freja, the Goddess of Love and Beauty. (and who the day Friday is named after!) Freja is seen as a force of good in the world and protector of the weak. She is a healer, grants magic and is a powerful source of love and peace.  I’m liking the sounds of this Goddess in my life!

And then as I continue to read, there it is in bold black and white, Freja rides a chariot towed by, you guessed it (if you were guessing), Big Cats.

Not only that, but there is a cat next to her in the picture and a further explanation of her connections to cats. 

Coincidence?

Truthfully, if the cat didn’t stink up the room, I never would have noticed or remembered her visit.  But now, I will never, ever forget.  

Thank you symbolism for the laugh and reiteration that you have a hand...or paw...in just about everything.

Facing My Fears One Color At A Time

I have been facing some pretty big fears lately. Huge actually. In my head, the continuous voice of “hey, you can’t do that” follows me around from early childhood. It has taken me years to stare that voice down and say “yeah, watch me.”

And truth be told, I am very aware that the fears I am facing now are small compared to the ones I will be facing in the near future. I’m not even sure what they are just yet, but intuitively I know big changes are ahead and I am in need of challenging and redirecting that nagging, negative voice.

Some days the fears are small...speak my honest feelings about a situation I don’t agree with at work.  The fear of not being accepted or even worse, rejected, has dissipated with practice over the years. Life as a counselor has me wanting to please people, but sometimes pleasing people doesn’t actually help them.  This I now know for sure, and practice accordingly.  It not only benefits me, its what is needed for the person I am supporting in their own changes and healing.

Other days the fears are larger...progressing in my business or writing about my personal life and sharing it with anyone who wants to learn.  Exposing my inner most thoughts is both scary and cathartic, but more so, allows me the opportunity to stop judging myself and be proud of who I am and what I’m all about.

And other days, the fears are downright nagging and bothersome.  They seem ridiculous and small, but can be immobilizing.  Today is one of those days. I am painting my bathroom. I know, sounds silly, but creates such anxiety in me.

The perfectionist in me is terrified. What if I picked the wrong color, what if I get paint all over and it’s obvious I’m not good at this? What if I give up and stop doing it midway? What if I get stuck in my head in the silence or even worse, the intense thoughts, and I can’t get back out?

I actually know exactly where these thoughts and anxieties come from.  They are reminders from my past of a time I felt so lost and scared.  I painted my large kitchen two weeks after I bought my house...the house I bought on my own, after the breakdown of my marriage.  The house I never intended on making my own on my own when I first moved in. And I was not the painter in the family- for good reason. My distracted ways and impatience does not lend its hand to thorough paint jobs.

I stared down those walls for two days, trapped in my head and thoughts, wanting to do a good job, questioning if I really liked the color I chose, and praying that soon it would be over.  In the middle of the job I text my friend who is a talented painter and said “If you care at all about me, you will not let me paint again.”  In fact, I still have one strip left that needs to be touched up and I haven’t gone back to it yet from memories alone.  

So I’ve been waiting this project out. It’s the last of the paint jobs for awhile, and it just needs to happen. And it IS happening. I need to face this fear, I will face this fear and that bathroom is going to look good...I’m 87% sure.

And if it doesn’t, does it really matter? No, it will get painted over and I will have faced my fears and felt the pride and excitement that goes with it. Its time to paint over my old life and give it a fresh new look.  After all, life is more stressful if we don’t go with the inevitable changes, so why not be part of the plan?

Skeptic Turned Believer

As a young child, I watched way too many horror movies. Way too many. I was obsessed with scaring the crap out of myself.  I played on Ouji boards, followed my horoscope, attempted to do séances with friends and did reports on Witches, until I was so freaked out I couldn’t read anymore.  I remember reading once in my horoscope that I lost a parent at a relatively young age and that I liked the occult. Creepy and disturbingly true.

How did the stars seem to know so much about me?

My mother’s mental illness had her looking for solace anywhere and I was one of those objects of solace.  She would tell me of her deep sadness and I would say positive, encouraging things to her often. Most of the time, I had no idea what I was even talking about. I was in elementary school, I hadn’t learned too much about the world. Yet, she would always say I knew exactly what to say and when she asked how I knew, I would reply, without hesitation, that God told me to say it. Ain’t no big thang.

Looking back as an adult, with skeptical and questioning logic, I would say, “well, of course it was comforting. She was as depressed as it gets and I was young, hopefuland positive spewing whatever desperate ray of sunshine I could muster.”   But the truth is, I was far from hopeful and positive and not full of sunshine. I wrote one poem after another of darkness and misery, of sadness and anger, of living in a dark hole.  So what if, maybe, just maybe, God really was speaking through me to offer my desperate mother some sense of hope?  

My interest in the occult ended somewhere in adolescence after my mother died and was replaced with booze and numbing out any uncomfortable emotion.  If God had any chance of speaking through me, it was going to have to get through the layer of toxins I’d put in my body.

Somewhere in college, my beloved grandmother started talking to me about the afterlife and her spiritual beliefs and because I loved her so dearly and respected her so much, I jumped on board to the New Age train.  We traded books, talked of God, spirits, energy and strange, serendipitous events.  It was so fascinating and the more I learned, the more peaceful I felt.  Like the missing puzzle pieces were being handed directly to me.

The busyness of full time work, marriage and children distracted me from furthering my spiritual side and instead left me with lots and lots of anxiety.  Although I loved being married and being a mother and greatly enjoyed the work I did as a counselor, the pressure I put on myself to do even more was huge and the voids I felt were large and looming.  There were many whispers and opportunities for me to change my attitude and shake things up, but I tuned many of them out. After all, change is scary!

In the winter of 2013, I was in the darkest place of my life.  My marriage was ending and life as I knew it and dreamed it would be would never be the same.  Yet the entire time, I heard those whispers of support, encouragement of which direction to take and distinct ways to take care of myself. I began to meditate daily, withdrew from my everyday worries and spent months healing with my long time best friend I once married. It was both incredibly painful and incredibly rewarding. I began to understand myself and who I was and appreciate all I had to offer. I allowed my nonstop chatty mind to slow down so I could actually hear my inner thoughts and not just the babble that rambled all day. 

In the early Spring of 2013, I approached the hardest part of my new reality…the physical separation of my family. I dreaded it immensely and questioned myself daily.  It was at this point I was introduced to Integrated Energy Therapy, quite randomly I would add, at a holistic health fair I wasn’t even sure I’d go to.  But I was drawn to the table and the description of what the modality offered.  One empowerment session later and the warmth of the amazing woman who’d eventually be my teacher, and I was hooked. In my typical inquisitive fashion, I skipped receiving a full healing and chose to learn IET instead.  I was intrigued how this stuff worked! The first class was incredible, but wasn’t sure I needed to continue. In my also typical fashion, I questioned everything. Maybe I just needed a flavor…yet I continued to be intrigued.  I took the Intermediate class two weeks later. The class that changed my life.

A week before the classI was in court to officially announce my dissolving marriage. The following week my best friend purchased a house and moved out.  The night before the class I sobbed for hours. The morning of the class, I remember standing in the shower willing myself to move. I don’t recall ever being so depressed. I just kept telling myself I had to get there. I forced myself to go.

I can’t say there was an exact moment or a lightening bolt or anything, but the healings I gave and received that day altered me forever.  My natural skeptic wanted to believe there was something to this energy stuff, but I couldn’t see it, I couldn’t rationalize it, I just had to hope it was true. I knew it made me feel good, but could that be enough?  I could tell you how I physically pulled an energy block out of my friend’s third eye (with lots of angelic help) or how I received “messages” that were loud and clear for me to share. But what made me a believer from that day forward was how I felt, right down to my soul. By the end of the class, my despondent self was long gone and an excited, energized over the top happy me talked my friend’s ear off the entire hour ride home. We still laugh at how I was seemingly on speed!

I have since been trained to become a Master Instructor with lots of fun angelic energy tricks and am able to teach the modality I’ve come to love and immensely respect.  I know, with the utmost confidence that we all benefit from opening ourselves up and allowing ourselves to heal.  And with that healing and trust, our lives can and will change for not the better, but the best! 

Looking back, I do believe that God, the Universe, the Angels, my guides, whatever you want to call that Divine help, played a role in helping me help my mother and every other person who comes to me for help.  I feel so fortunate, so grateful, so blessed to be able to share my gifts.  After all, they are meant to be shared!