“What is wrong with me?!? I know all of this, why don’t I just do it?!?”
I hear this question from every single one of my clients on the path to change. I’ve asked it often to myself. The inner critic is a loud one. The answer is always the same.
“There is nothing wrong with you. Everything you are experiencing is normal. It’s a practice.”
If I had a penny for every time I say “it’s a practice,” I’d be retired. But it truly is. All of it. Particularly when you’ve committed to change. Or when change has committed itself to you.
The feelings you feel are normal. The frustration. The impatience. The fear. The hope. The joy. And even the euphoria. All of it is normal. If there was a “right” track, your varied feelings are letting you know you are on it.
Here’s what’s happening:
Let’s say you have been taking the same route to work or school or the market (wherever you frequently go) and you know the route well. You could get there with your eyes closed, and most often you do. You drive or walk along the path on auto pilot. Sometimes you don’t even know how you got there because you stopped paying attention a mile back. It’s a comfortable route. You know the pattern well and you know what to expect.
One day someone says to you, “Hey, I know a better route for you to take to get there. When you hit the stop sign, you just have to turn right instead of left. The route may take you longer, but the scenery is spectacular and you will receive much more joy taking this route.”
You become excited by the prospect. You welcome the advice and take a right at the stop sign the first day. You agree. The new route has a much better view and you enjoy it so much more. You see and feel things you didn’t even know existed! You are committed to going this new way.
The next day you almost forgot to turn right at the stop sign. Even though you were excited for the new route, you got lost in your thoughts and almost turned left again. You are glad you slowed down enough to turn right and the new route is equally spectacular as the day before.
The following day you turn left at the stop sign. You don’t even realize you are on the old route until you pass by the same signs you always see. The ones which feel like more of the same and have become the beaten path. The ones you consciously chose to not go down anymore because the new route was more appealing to you. Once you recognize where you are you feel instant disappointment. How could you have missed it? The self shaming starts. The self criticism. You said you were committed to the new route. What’s wrong with you?
Again, nothing.
Because you’ve traveled that route for so long, it’s become very comfortable. You know just how long it will take to get you where you are going. You are used to the obstacles and know how to navigate past them, even if you don’t like them. In many ways, it’s easier. You don’t even have to think. It’s automatic to choose that path.
In order to make the new route your chosen path, you must practice slowing down. For change to occur, you must turn right at the stop sign. You must break at the stop sign each and every day. You must consciously make the choice to turn right, over and over again, until it becomes the new well traveled path. Until then, it requires consistent slowing, and pausing and feeling out the direction you are in. Does it feel new and unchartered or like more of the same?
We are creatures of habit. In our thought patterns, our choices, our behaviors, our likes and dislikes. Even when we say we like change, we generally only like the change we think we can control. Most of us are still learning to embrace the unknown and get cozy with it. To trust that when we turn right at the stop sign it really will be a better path than the one we currently know.
If you keep turning left, give yourself a little credit. At some point you were assured that was the best path. In many ways it worked for you. It wasn’t until you knew the other route was an option that you even chose to take it. You can’t go down a road you didn’t even know was there. But now that you do, you have to want it. You have to be willing to practice stopping at the stop sign.
Some days you will still turn left and that is okay. Some days you will do it on autopilot and some days you will make the conscious choice to turn left because the old way is easier and comforting. That is also okay. In the process of change and healing, it’s allll normal.
We will turn left many, many, many times before we eventually turn right habitually. Self compassion is essential when understanding that nothing about slowing down and changing habits is easy. But you’ve had plenty of practice which shows you CAN learn new things and you CAN create lasting change. You weren’t born tying your shoelaces or knowing the alphabet. You practiced learning, over and over again. Turning left is no different. You will get there and that new route will be glorious. The unexpected joys and serendipities will be plentiful. You may even begin enjoying the ride.
How have you struggled with making lasting change? What are your biggest challenges? And most importantly, how do you support yourself through it?
