When I was about 18 years old, my dad, brother and I had a competition to see who would hold the title of “Man of the House.” We had an electronic dart board in the middle of our living room and used the winner of this game to determine who would hold this esteemed position. Being the most athletic and competitive of the three of us, I used my determined focus to ensure I hit my mark and they met their match. I won.
I was officially -The Man of the House- in all my teenage girlness.
During my brother’s graduation party, my dad and brother waited for my arrival to get the beer flowing as I was the only one who knew how to tap a keg.
My father often remarked he didn’t worry too much about me because when my friends picked me up, there were usually several large young men over 6 feet tall arriving to greet me. He knew I wouldn’t be messed with. Ironically, he never questioned why I was often the only girl in the group.
The truth is, I was always more comfortable around boys. I had my girlfriends and adored them, but I could not always relate the way I did to boys. The boys seemed simpler, less emotional and I did not want to feel my emotions, so this worked beautifully for me.
The boys were trained to talk about surface level conversations like sports, girls, cars, and money; nothing too deep. So was I. My father did not talk about feelings. What to do with them, where to put them or that we even had them. He was not trained to either.
As a young child I listened to my mother’s feelings often. I was a deep feeler right there with her. But when she became overwhelmed with emotion, my desire to fix it, to make it stop, took over. This was when I learned that feelings existed, but too many feelings was most definitely not a good thing. When my mother died from not being able to combat the darkness, I was relieved to no longer feel responsible to fix her feelings. It was shortly after I chose to stop feeling mine.
I pushed them down and was reinforced this by my father who never quite learned that feelings were okay. To be a man, you work, you fix, you safeguard. You push through pain and discomfort and you find a way to make it all work. By all means necessary.
My first month of college I made amazing new friends who informed me that girls plucked their eyebrows and did not wear white tube socks with every outfit. What?!?
This was mildly devastating to learn but I was grateful that I was learning such truths. I had no idea.
I later joined a sorority and discovered that women were not so bad after all. They were courageous and fun and could drink almost as much as me. Some of them shoved their feelings down in the ways I could relate to. And yet, they also talked about deep and interesting things that very much spoke to the part of me that loves depth and introspection and behavior.
I also took women’s studies classes and learned that women had earned less income than men and were not seen as equals in religion and influence. I was shocked. For real. My father had raised me to believe I was no different than a man and any discrepancies between us were simply from physical makeup, not from what we bring to the table.
It wasn’t until I became a mother where I really began to see my masculine training shift. Nurturing little humans became my focus. Once my daughter was born I was determined to make sure she would not succumb to the overdone world of pink and purple and let her choose her own colors. She did. She always has. She wore dresses when she felt like it and sweatpants and mismatched socks when it struck her fancy. When my son was born I felt similarly. He wore his sister’s princess dresses more than she did and cried big real tears when he learned he could not have a baby out of his own womb.
They have feminine traits and masculine traits. Both of them. They feel feelings and shove them down when they become too much. They try to fix when they want to control or make it okay for someone else. And other times, they sit in silence allowing big feelings to be felt and let them move through them. They embody both energies.
I’m 45 years old and I am still learning. My default is to fix when things get hard and to make the deep feelings go away. I don’t even realize I’m doing it sometimes because its so deeply ingrained. I noticed this last week after what felt like a highly intense and emotional week for many, and I just want to make all of it okay. For all of us.
I stop listening and start fixing. This is masculine energy. The energy that wants to control and protect. It is driven and decisive. It is the energy of action and doing. When in overdrive it feels stressful, particularly when not in control. It works harder and more forcefully, at times angered when it can’t take over. When not in control it can come out as aggression, critical and unsupportive.
Last week I worked myself into numbness. I stopped feeling. It was like my brain hit the screen saver and said- no more till you rest. I heard myself talking but couldn’t even connect with my thoughts. My head did not feel attached to my body. This is a clear sign of disconnection. Wayyy too much energy out (masculine) than energy in (feminine).
Feminine energy is that which nurtures the flow of emotions. It is the energy that lives with understanding and compassion. It is creative and insightful. Vulnerable and warm. It is the energy that receives, often intuitively and connecting to the universe and all it’s wisdom. When imbalanced it also becomes controlling, manipulative and people pleasing.
I did not balance my energies with my effort and therefore I felt awful. Physically, emotionally and mentally.
After a full day of sitting in stillness and slowness pouring energy back into me, I started to feel more like myself. Reading, meditating, napping, and not doing a damn thing for anyone else, the tears that normally keep my eyes moist, returned. I felt in flow in again. Resistant still, but flowing nonetheless.
It was during this time I “heard” what was happening around me and within me. We are all being asked to rebalance our imbalances. We are shifting from one paradigm of masculine dominant energy to invite in more of the feminine.
“The paradigm of control, domination, fixing and suppression is asking to end. The era of thinking our way through conflict. The masculine in overdrive. The paradigm of feeling, allowing, supporting and creativity is asking to be seen and strengthened. The action of feeling our way through conflict. The feminine is rising. The energies are asked to work together to build a new world. Using logic to support feeling. Using intuition to support intellect.”
We are currently being asked to feel. To lean in. This is part of living serendipitously, in the flow of life. Being in the flow of what is happening and letting what comes up be. Not resisting, but allowing. And this might mean exposing our deep wounds. I sure know mine are coming up. This is good thing. A great thing really. This is how they heal. And we are a world that is asking to heal.
I heard…”It is not the fall of man, but the rise of all.”
I love this. It speaks to me and I see it in my work with others every single day. It is a time to listen. To really listen (feminine) and then respond to what we hear (masculine). We all have both masculine and feminine energies. All of us. But for quite a while they have been imbalanced. We are being asked to re-unite these energies to work together in union.
This is an amazing time to be alive. You are here for a reason. And so am I.
Have you noticed any imbalances you may be feeling in to your masculine and feminine energies? Are you giving more than receiving? Are you receiving more than giving? (ie- are you working too much or giving out a lot of energy? Or are you sitting around paralyzed by your feelings and struggling to move?) Pay attention to see where you are and how you can shift. I’m right there with you.
How are you managing this very big transition into our new lives?